In the classic Marx Brothers movie “Animal Crackers” Groucho plays Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding, an African explorer. One of the memorable jokes finds Groucho saying: “I shot an elephant in my pajamas.… How he got in to my pajamas, I don’t know!” That reminds me of “The Don” (remember all things ultimately are about him), an explorer of a different kind; the kind that finds himself in some unknown woman’s pajamas, but in his case he definitely knows how he got there!
When someone repeated the Groucho joke to former president (oops, I meant V.P.) Dick Cheney, he remarked: “That’s supposed to be funny? Never got those guys. And what’s up with the harp playing mute with the blond Jew-fro? But if you really want a hoot, do you remember that time during my presidency (damn it I mean Vice Presidency) in 2006 when I shot ole Harry Whittington in the face? I told him not to turn around. Now that’s funny! Slapstick at its best!”
So in December, when the Trump boys planned the great hunting event fundraiser for after inauguration day, which would enable those who donated $500,000 or a million to go hunting with the coolest people, Cheney was the first person they called. Understandably, at the time, the optics of the event looked pretty bad; the Trump boys got so much flak they backed out of it. But now that “The Don” is the POTUS, my suspicion is that they will resurrect this thing. After all, the boys love their hunting and bringing in a little booty for dad’s faux foundation makes it all the sweeter.
It was going to be a blast; they were thinking of calling it “Hunting with the Stars.” The boys were helium-snorting giddy about it and hoping to parlay it into a reality TV show, which hopefully could air right after Celebrity Apprentice.
Don Jr. went on and on about the brothers’ last safari trip where they bagged a leopard. Cheney, an old movie buff, shared his love for his favorite leopard movie “Bringing Up Baby,” where Katherine Hepburn gets a leopard named Baby as a gift that can only be calmed by singing “I can’t give you anything but love, baby.”
Here is the conversation Dick and Don Jr. might have had:
“Don Jr., your dad must have really been proud of you guys,” Cheney said.
“Well not exactly,” Don Jr. replied. “He was completely disinterested. Melania told us he felt jealous of the leopard because we never want to hold him so close.”
“That’s sad…. So, Don Jr., who are the stars?”
“Sarah Palin, who dresses like Annie Oakley and performs ‘You Can Kill a Black Man with a Gun’ from the musical ‘Annie Get Your Gun.’ ”
“I know it dates me, but I saw the original with Ethel Merman! But Don Jr., isn’t the name of the song ‘You Can’t Get a Man with a Gun? ”
“Yeah, but we thought our title would attract more donors!”
“Totally makes sense, Don Jr. Very creative. Who else is participating?”
“Wayne Lapierre, a true American hero.”
“Love Wayne. The NRA has never been stronger and that’s saying a lot given Charlton Heston was the leader from ’98-’03. Too bad he got Alzheimer’s. At the end he was reenacting his role as Moses; sadly someone found him walking around wearing a robe, carrying a staff and speaking Hebrew.”
“Sad, very sad.”
“What’s Wayne’s deal?”
“Hunting with Wayne gets you lifetime membership to the NRA and an unlimited pass to gun shows across America; and even if you turn out to be a terrorist, there will never be a background check.”
“The great Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Dad is trying to create a new cabinet position called Chief of Deportation.”
“Love Joe. What’s his deal?”
“Well, sadly, because he lost re-election, his value is down; so he only costs $25K. But he sings: ‘Born free, free as the wind blows…. Stay free, where the wall will divide us, from all people of color; we are free!’”
“Very catchy. And what’s my deal?”
“You sing James Taylor’s ‘Whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile before I shoot you.’”
“Just love, love, love it! Count me in. Don Jr., one thing before I go. I heard a rumor that you actually got that leopard in a shop in Soho and you just green-screened the background to make it look like Africa. Not that I care, but is that true, Don Jr.?”
“Don Jr., are you there? Don Jr.? Guess we got disconnected. Wow, ‘Hunting with the Stars.’ Watch out America, Dick is making a comeback! ‘I can’t give you anything but hate…baby.’”