Now that our darling Kellyanne has taken spin to a new level, coining the phrase alternative facts to defend “The Don’s” assertion that inauguration attendance was the greatest ever, it is time for some alternate facts of our own.
Donald Trump hands are actually bigger than normal; we are just looking at them from the wrong perspective.
Sarah Palin lost the greatest love child of Donald Trump because its ego was too big to fit through the birth canal.
Donald Trump was sued by his kids for failure to love them. He sued them back!
Donald Trump freed the slaves but retracted his decree and started Jim Crow.
Donald Trump embraces Jesus but Jesus rejected his embrace.
“The Don’s” signature is on the declaration of Independence; you can’t see because he has terrible handwriting.
Donald Trump was the best baseball player in New York when he was in high school. Mickey Mantle and Yogi Berra were chokes and stiffs. (He really did say the first part!)
Donald Trump knows more than the generals do about Isis and knows the address of every member.
“The Don” celebrated his 7th birthday today (Okay, I am lying, it was his 8th!)
Trump fires congress declaring they are irrelevant.
Donald Trump invented Christmas and is personally responsible for every purchase during this year’s holiday season.
Julian Assange is Donald Trump’s love Child. Just ask the mother who is a former Teen MS America!
Donald Trump runs a sex ring out of a local Falafel joint.
Scientists discover that Trump’s ego is larger than the moon.
Donald Trump thinks the C.I.A. is an acronym for Culinary Institute of America.
Trump disbands Federal Investigation Bureau and replaces it with Fab Babe Institute.
Trump declares the National Enquirer the most important thing to read pushing the bible to second place.
Donald Trump dumps Melania and makes move on Hillary Clinton.