Before I begin the piece, let me start with an eerie statistic: In less than a year, from May 2019 to March 2020, the share of weekly church-attending white Protestants convinced that Donald Trump was anointed by God to be president grew from 29.6 percent to 49.5 percent.
If God says it, well then it must be true…or,
If you do believe in God and think that The Don is the most “Godless” human, then you better start doing Yoga or something to find your path because this here shit is the devil’s playground.
At a press conference this past week The Don said: “We have met the moment, and we have prevailed.”
Here’s my idea of this week’s rambling lunacy:
Now that I have set the record straight- that we have prevailed- and before we get into questions from the media, I mean, aren’t I a great guy? I am standing up here taking questions from a bunch of low-life, fake people who are working for dying newspapers, asking the dumbest questions like “ Mr. President, Do you have a plan?” Do I look like the kind of guy that is interested in plans? Plans are boring. They require thinking through things, reading a lot of stuff. But of course, I do have a plan: It’s to follow my instincts and boy do I have some huge instincts. And what I am saying to people is to follow your destiny as workers and warriors and look that invisible enemy in the eye and say: I am part of “Making America Great Again” and you can’t stop me. And anyone who gets in your way, you know what to do.
And I am so sick and tired of the Faggie Fauci and the dullest man named Bright I have ever heard of, making up about stuff about numbers. And Red nose fool CDC Director Redfield is a joke.
Back to Mr. Dull, I heard everyone who worked with him disliked him; he was some kind of science nerd. Who wants to hang around with a nerd like that? He is saying we are not prepared and that time is running out. Got news for you Mr. Dull, that dark winter you mentioned is a figment of your imagination. America will be coming in to a brilliant sunshine just in time for my re-election. The joke’s on him as guess who’s no longer working for us? And so then he went and whined like a baby to congress. He’s just a really dull, disgruntled nerd who is unemployed like the other 36 million Americans. Good luck trying to get that unemployment check. I hear that isn’t going too well.*
And Faggie Fauci using words like “dire consequences,” if we open too quickly, saying we lack testing capacity and Tracy capacity. Let me tell you straight up: there are not enough people named Tracy to track a virus. What’s with the Tracy thing? Everyone is thinking Fauci is losing it because he is constantly talking about Tracy. Dick Tracy? Spencer Tracy? This Tracy thing is gotten the better of him so you won’t be seeing him around much. What he said to congress was “just unacceptable.” **
Let’s face it: everyone knows that the “Deep State” employs “evil mathematics.” From day one they tried to deny that I had more people at my inauguration than Obama. Put your hands down, you slugs (to reporters), but the photos show it. Have you seen the real pictures of Obama’s inauguration?
And everyone screamed that Ms. Lock-her-up Hillary won the popular vote when millions of illegals voted. Put your hand down you twerp (to a reporter). You are going to ask; Where’s the proof of that? Right, weren’t you going to ask a nasty question like that? I should ban your network on the grounds of your reporters needing to go back to school to be educated about how to ask me a question. But, you will see, soon there will be a very comprehensive report.
You want to keep talking numbers? So do I.
First, the number of dead is totally over-stated. There are people out there, you know people, don’t roll your eyes you impostors, you know there are people who know things, that are saying there are so many, many fewer viruses thingys floating around. And we don’t have as many deaths as reported because it turns out the people doing the counting have made some bigly mistakes, you know, that we will be talking about very soon. I hear the person doing the counting flunked his AP math test, whatever that is, but it sounds worthy of a congressional investigation. Interesting, right, strange things going on there at CDC. We will be looking in to those fake numbers.
And I wish everyone would just get over this obsession with testing. It’s not all it cooked up to be. I mean isn’t it ridiculous that we are doing the most testing (not true based on percentages of the population) and then we get the highest numbers. Isn’t it bad to have so many positives? Stupid, right? Why don’t we just stop doing it? Who wants to be the leader of the world in Covid cases? It’s like saying we want to have the most people with acne. We don’t brag about that. We tell those people to get a new face or get out of sight because they are a nightmare to look at.
And the CDC’s original guidelines had like 63 things in it. Too many numbers. Ridiculous. Too Restrictive. The amended guidelines are much better and so, so much simpler:
- If you don’t feel stupid or Un-American wearing a mask then it’s okay to wear one
- Social distancing is probably a good idea, except of course, if you are near a sexy woman. Then…
And now let’s talk about the schools. We need our kids back in school. We need Americans to be smart so they can become geniuses like me. Children are safe. Put that hand down (to a reporter,) You are going to ask me about the finding in New York where 100 children died of a rare and dangerous inflammatory syndrome that appears to be connected to the virus. First of all, it’s New York. It’s a blue state, which is a direct line to the “Deep” state so it’s all an attempt to derail me from my greatness. Russia, Ukraine, Stormy Daniels, all attempts to stop me from leading this nation to its true destiny. So many are beginning to realize that I was put here by God to lead America to the promised land and what do I get in return? Don’t worry, those that see the God in me will prosper and the rest will pay the price for their doubts and disapproval.
And can one of you idiot reporters do me a favor? Can you find out who in the hell Tracy is? I am getting tired of hearing her name. And no, I didn’t pay anyone off named Tracy, so don’t even go there.
Before I leave you ungrateful S.O.B.’s, I just want to give a shot out to Mike Flynn who is free as a bee. We are looking for a job for you in our administration so keep checking your voice mail. Also, Paul Manaforte who got to go home because of the virus. But not you Michael Cohen, you are going to rot in prison.
*Here’s what Mr. Bright actually said to congress:
“Our window of opportunity is closing. If we fail to develop a national coordinated response, based in science, I fear the pandemic will get far worse and be prolonged, causing unprecedented illness and fatalities.” He warned, “Without clear planning and implementation of the steps that I and other experts have outlined, 2020 will be the darkest winter in modern history.”
(He also spoke about lack of preparedness by U.S. Government)
Bright said that in January he received an email warning that America’s supply of N-95 respirator masks was “completely decimated and that immediate action was needed.
“And I pushed that forward to the highest levels I could at H.H.S. and got no response. “From that moment, I knew that we were going to have a crisis for our health care workers because we were not taking action.”
**Here’s what Fauci said to congress regarding opening too soon:
“That could result not only in ‘some suffering and death that could be avoided’, but could even set you back on the road to trying to get economic recovery.”
oh my gosh first time reading you’re wonderful writing. It is also the first time I have laughed out loud in a long time trying to deal with Trump’s madness . I don’t want to be a United States citizen anymore. I’ve been in nursing for 30 years with a 2nd degree in psychology and let me tell you it is true he is a very very sick delusional man. It’s a very very scary time and so sad for the 90,000 + victims which Trump will never ever care about because he has never known how to be empathetic. He does not understand that concept at all and nobody can change that. All we can hope for is that he and he alone will do himself in the more he talks the more it will happen. Thank you for the truth and for laughter.