The Tale of Two Viruses: Part 8

The greatest president who ever lived announced at one of his reality show press conferences that he was forming the “Great American Economic Revival Industry Groups.”

The biggest, the best, the greatest business people anywhere were going to get this country going, right? Full steam ahead. America’s economy will be blazing in no time.

One problem: The great blusterer forgot to inform many of the greats that he was calling on them. Who does that kind of thing? Did he just forget to tell them? Did he make it up on the spot? Or is he so grandiose that he believed the mere mention of their names from his lips would automatically make them members of an imaginary committee?

Richard Trumka, the president of the A.F.L.-C.I.O. found out while The Don was giving his briefing.

The head of Pfizer who was also blindsided by its inclusion in the group, receiving a heads-up that Mr. Trump might mention the company an hour before the announcement, with no information about how many other companies were involved or what the purpose of the group was.

The pattern of confusion appeared to be repeating itself with members of the House and Senate who were abruptly notified through an email that they had been selected for a congressional task force on reopening the country.

“The purpose of the task force is to provide counsel to the president on the reopening of America in the wake of Covid-19,” the email continued. “The formal name of this task force has not yet been announced.”

It’s a little bit like fantasy football. You pick players that have value but they don’t know you picked them. If you were to run in to one of them for real and tell them they were on your fantasy team they would look at you and say “that’s cool man, but some of us are due back on the planet earth.”

And then there was the check thing. The government is sending $1,200 to most Americans to help them during the financial crisis.  Funny thing happened on the way to issuing the checks: the process was delayed because The Don, in a move unprecedented in our country’s history, insisted that his signature be on checks.

trump check.jpg

When someone mentioned that having his signature would delay people receiving the money it is rumored The Don said:

“Then let them eat cake!”

When his aide asked him if he knew the historical figure said that he said: “Me, it’s me, I just made that up.”

“Actually it was Marie Antoinette,” said the aide.

“Is that another woman wanting to be paid off because…you know?

“No, Mr. President, she was the French Queen during the French Revolution.


“The people of France revolted, and they chopped off her head by guillotine.”

“Must have been quite a bitch. Isn’t my signature beautiful? My letters are like mini Trump Towers. I think people should think twice about cashing them and just frame them. One day they are going to be worth a lot of money, like rare coins.”

After having his name put on the checks, The Don actually stood at the podium in one of his press conferences and said he wasn’t sure how his name got on the checks.
You can’t make this stuff up!

And how about banks having permission to garnish money from their customers if accounts are in arrears. So instead of people getting money they desperately need, the banks are filling their coffers. So imagine you have no job, are running out of money for food and you need that money to survive. Oops, sorry, no money for you. The administration could have made sure the banks didn’t take any of the $1,200, but banks rule and people drool.

OMFG TRUMP - Michigan Protest.jpg

In this week’s episode of “Survivor” The Blusterer-in Chief declared he was king and could tell the states that they had to do what he said. The Governors pushed back and The Don backed down but not for long.

He decided to go after specific democratic governors supporting protests by Trumpites who declared they were staying home no more. “Liberate Michigan. “Liberate Minnesota.” “Liberate Virginia,” he tweeted after observing the rally on the Capitol steps of Michigan.

The rally was organized by Owen Shroyer, the host of a show on Infowars, a website founded by the right wing nut, Alex Jones, who traffics in conspiracy theories. Mr. Shroyer told his Infowars audience this week that the Coronavirus was part of a scheme by the Chinese Communist Party and the “Deep State” to undermine Mr. Trump, and that reports of overwhelmed hospitals like those in New York were “propaganda.”

The person responsible for the safety of 330 million people is championing conspiracy theorists who believe the virus is a plot to dethrone The Don. Makes you really feel safe. The Don is not interested in saving lives; he is only interested in externalizing the blame for this horrendous situation on someone else.

Delusional Don. So desperate for the economy to come roaring back because he believes it is his path to re-election. The Don’s incapacity to take advice from anyone and understand what needs to be done to begin to open things up in a manner that can be successful, works against his own best interests. If he ramped up the testing dramatically, the data would help us understand how to proceed. But data be damned. In the end, his plan to open up too soon and his brazen egging on of Americans who want to do what they want, will lead to more deaths and a worse outcome for the economy.

Here is what one of The Don’s supporters, Representative Trey Hollingsworth of Indiana, said. He acknowledged the chance of “loss of life” from an early end to social distancing but asserted, nonetheless, that it was better than the alternative. “It is policymakers’ decision to put on our big boy and big girl pants and say it is the lesser of these two evils,” he said to a local radio station.

“Put on your big boy pants everyone and get up and dance. We are going to kick some mother fuckin ass. So Corona watch out because you are just some silly old virus and I have lots of guns. Governors get out of our way. So bring it on. “Live free or die (hard).”

If they are looking for a theme song, how about this.

We ain’t going to stay home no more,

Home no more, home no more,

And if you try to make us stay

We will simply blow you away.

Let’s check in with the virus and see how it feels about all this? How it’s doing in the game of “Survivor.”

“You can’t close America,” chanted the people.

“Absolutely not said the genius devil virus, smirking.”

“I love it” says the virus.

“The American spirit is awesome! Come on people, what you waiting for, spring is upon us. Things are blooming, the world beckons you. You have been lonely too long. You’ve been thwarted too long. Your freedom is not for the taking. Your man with the orange hair is urging you to take back America from those tyrannical governors. Just love, love, love that he is saying “Liberate Michigan, Liberate Minnesota.” I just Love, love, love that he is promoting faulty anti-body tests and says things like America can get back to work ‘by showing us who might have developed the wonderful, beautiful, immunity.’ Promote more false information Mr. Orange and I will get more deadly every day. This is so much fun. My cousins in Germany are feeling stifled by a lady called Angela. I thought presidents were supposed to protect people? Has the devil finally come to inhabit America?”

So get out there, America. No one is going to fuck with you, macho motherfuckers. You got the ammo. But last time I looked guns didn’t work with viruses. This game of “Survivor” is fun.”

“And one more thing. A special shout-out and thank you to Governor Desantis in Florida for opening up the beaches. I need a good tan and what better way to do that then to sprawl out on a beach blanket with some people who are (yuck, yuck) drinking Coronas. It’s like people swimming with sharks, but on land!”





One comment

  1. All we can pray for is that our mighty pres will contact the virus. I don’t pray, but I would for this.


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