The Tale of Two Viruses


We are all understandably concerned (okay, maybe a bit panicked?) about the C word. You know, the one that sounds like the beer.

It took a while for The Don to acknowledge the virus was something that mattered because, well, he didn’t create it, so how could it be of any importance? He was upset that it was receiving too much air time and couldn’t control the narrative.

So he did what he always does when something creates anything negative for him: he claims it another democratic hoax, like the Russia investigation and the impeachment trial. Even the tanking stock market was the democrats fault.

There were rumors that spokespeople for the CDC were under a gag rule. Rumor had it that The Don was counting the number of times the C word was uttered and demanded that the words “But your Great President” appear immediately after.

And even though renowned epidemiologist ultimately Anthony Fauci refuted that he was being gagged, the fact that we could easily believe it happened is what makes it so scary. We have seen it at the D.O.J and now at the National Security Agency with an appointment of someone whose only qualification is his capacity to listen to The Don regarding information that should be released. This should keep you up at night as much as the Coronavirus.

We have HHS allowing federal health employees interacting with Americans quarantined for possible exposure to the coronavirus without proper medical training or protective gear, then scattered into the general population. And what response did the government have to a responsible citizen who exposed this incompetent action to the press? Retaliation

So when The Don finally said the word coronavirus out loud, he turned to Mike Pence.

The Don: Did you realize the name of the virus is the name of the Mexican beer? Everyone is up in arms about that? Now who is complaining about my wall? All we have to do is bar Mexicans from the country and we all will be fine. And Mike, I want you to be in charge of this; I want you to tell the country to avoid drinking Corona and that your great genius president once again has come to the rescue.”

OMFG TRUMP - Mike Pence Corona

Pence: Your wish is my command. I will have my speech writer whip something up and call a press conference. And Mr. President, I will also have “momma” double down on her prayer as when all else fails, Jesus will lead us to where we need to go.

The Don: You better pray to Jesus that this shit doesn’t get out of control because you’re the fall guy, Mike. Why do you think I would put you in charge of anything?  You’re taking the hit. Good by Mr. Vice Presidente, no second term for you.

Pence: Very funny, MR. President. Don’t you worry, Jesus will create a miracle. And did you know that the Mexicans make another beer called El Presidente? I think I’ll ban that too!

The Don: And Mike, if banning the beer doesn’t work and Jesus doesn’t create a miracle, I heard the warm weather will miraculously make the Corona go away, as who likes warm beer?

Pence: Who likes warm beer? That’s hilarious Mr. President. I am going to have my speech writer put that in the first paragraph.

The Don: One more thing. I will be leaving for Mar-a-Lago today and be staying there indefinitely. I hear it is 80 degrees there.

Pence: One question before you go sir. What should I do with the 10 million bottles of hand soap that just arrived?

The Don: Remember that cool thing I did in Puerto Rico after the hurricane?

Pence: When you threw paper towels in to the crowd? That was so cool Mr. President. The people there loved you so much. Your empathy was beyond anything I have ever seen.

The Don: Well…

Pence: Oh I get it. You want me to stand outside the White House and throw hand soap to the people.

The Don: Pence, your brilliance never ceases to amaze me. But unlike me, who was a great athlete and whose form was impeccable when I was throwing the towels, you are a wuss and throw like a girl. So get one of your aides to do the throwing so you don’t embarrass me. Good luck Mike, the country is depending on you.

OMFG TRUMP - Pence Sanitizer.jpg

Pence: Safe travels Mr. President.

Don’t you feel safe with Mike Pence in charge when in 2018, the White House eliminated a dedicated position on the National Security Council to coordinate pandemic response, the same year that the Trump administration narrowed its epidemiological work to 10 countries from 49.

Don’t you feel safe that in November, a task force at the Center for Strategic and International Studies, which included five current and former Republican senators and House members, warned that “the United States remains woefully ill prepared to respond to global health security threats.”

Instead, the president’s budget request this month for the fiscal year that begins in October would cut the C.D.C.’s budget by almost 16 percent, and the Department of Health and Human Services’s by almost 10 percent. The proposal’s $3 billion in cuts to global health programs included a 53 percent cut to the World Health Organization and a 75 percent cut to the Pan American Health Organization.

Trump began cutting funding for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, leading in turn to an 80 percent cut in the resources the agency devotes to global disease outbreaks. Trump also shut down the entire global-health-security unit of the National Security Council.

Last year, the administration shut down a program dedicated to identifying and researching animal viruses with the potential to infect humans — in other words, viruses like the coronavirus. Mr. Trump has also proposed significant cuts to several health care agencies, even as he asked Congress for $2.5 billion in emergency funding to fight the outbreak.

And what’s Mr. Pence’s record on dealing with serious health matters? Well, as governor of Indiana, Mr. Pence was blamed for aggravating a severe AIDS outbreak among intravenous drug users in a rural Indiana county when he opposed calls for a clean needle exchange program on the grounds it would encourage more drug use.

Doesn’t that make you feel all warm and fuzzy? Actually, it makes me want to roll up in to a ball and quarantine myself. Just joking.

Let’s face it people. This is a fluid situation and no one knows what the next few weeks will bring; but it is clear that because of the irresponsible and frankly heinous anti-science stance of this administration, we are less prepared to deal with this outbreak than we should be. We will have to wait and see how grave the consequences are because of the ineptitude of this administration.

And let me end by saying that not only are we facing the epidemic of the Coronoavirus, but our country is being led by an out of control president who is our very own human virus. The Coraonavirus is not the only virus we need to be scared of and rid of. We better take back the White House because four more years of this human virus will create such damage to our democracy that the patient (America) may never recover.

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