All Is Well in the Lands of I

Actually, in the world of I, things are anything but well; but then again, we have been living in an alternative reality for three years. (Thank you Kellyanne Conway for your service!)

Impeachment

The Don has been impeached on two counts:  shaking down a foreign government for his own political gain, and obstructing congress’s attempt to investigate this action.

Iran

Though it technically does not merit an impeachable offense under the constitution, here are two more actions that indicate he should be removed from office:

Number One: Assassinating a foreign leader with ersatz intel.

Number two (has two parts):

After taking out Suleimani, The Don thought it appropriate to tweet a picture of the American flag. That’s the equivalent of a 5 year old shoving an ice cream cone in another kid’s face and strutting away with a shit eating grin on his face.

OMFG-TRUMP---Ali-Khamenei.jpg

After Iran bombed two U.S. military bases in Iraq, The Don thought it appropriate to tweet:

All is well! Missiles launched from Iran at two military bases located in Iraq. Assessment of casualties & damages taking place now. So far, so good! We have the most powerful and well equipped military anywhere in the world, by far! I will be making a statement tomorrow morning.

The dangerous child running our country thought it made sense to tell America that all was well, even though Americans felt we were on the brink of war.

 

This is classic Don. Don’t worry about a thing because The Great Ditherer of Oz has everything under control. I am the deal maker who will bring home the bacon. Oops, forgot to mention that I went bankrupt 7 times.

Here’s how well we are:

  • Iran has cast off nuclear curbs so that it is now potentially within five months of having enough fuel for a nuclear warhead, down from almost 15 years when Trump took office.
  • United States forces may be pushed out of Iraq, allowing Suleimani to achieve in death one of his foremost goals in life.
  • American forces in Syria may be difficult to support without the military presence in Iraq, so some or all of them might pull out as well, another strategic victory for Iran.
  • The military campaign against ISIS is on hold, giving terrorists a chance to regroup.
  • Iran’s regime, which had been threatened by enormous protests at home and in Iraq, has been rescued by Trump’s actions. Iranians have rallied around the flag, and the Iraqi narrative has changed overnight from the bullying of Iranians to the bullying of Americans.
  • Instead of bringing troops home, Trump has had to deploy more to the Middle East at huge cost.
  • Iran shot down a plane with 173 passengers (many of them Iranians) because someone thought it was a U.S. response to the Iranians missile attack on the U.S. compound in Iraq.

 

A recent poll shows that by a 2-1 margin Americans feel that the action in Iran has made us less safe.

To watch the spineless Republicans twist in the wind and perform feats of contortionist wonderment to defend this dangerous immoral man defies credulity.

The Republicans know there is no intel to justify the attack. Mike Lee and Rand Paul went on record for all to see. The other Republicans were in the same room.

This is what Lee had to say:

It was probably the worst briefing I’ve seen at least on a military issue in the nine years I’ve served in the United States Senate. He went on: “I find it insulting and demeaning…They had to leave after 75 minutes while they’re in the process of telling us that we need to be good little boys and girls and run along and not debate this in public,” Lee said. “I find that absolutely insane. I think it’s unacceptable.”

In an homage to the famous Chinese story Roshomon, where there are 7 accounts of the same event, the administration shifted its story. The issue at hand was whether there was any evidence that clearly showed that Suleimani was preparing to take actions against the U.S. that represented an imminent threat. Here’s my take on a conversation to come up with a story.

roshomon.jpg

Aide 1- I think we should focus on the I in imminent

Aide 2- No that’s not very convincing. How about we go with the Im.

Aide 1-That could work but In might be better as it is in the middle of the word imminent and might be camouflage better.

Aide 2- I see a clear problem with that version, so what about we go with Ent.

Aide 1-That’s really clever. But I think I have even a better one. How about Eminem?

Aide 2-That’s nuts. He’s a rap star.

Aide-1  Yeah, we can see he did it. He hates Trump and our supporters know it.

Aide 2-Well, we could go with that but what about M&Ms?

trump, trump news, satire, 45, donald trump

Aide 1-Now that’s cool. Regular or Peanuts?

Aide 2- I’d go with peanuts because you have to be pretty nutty to do what the president did.

Aide 1-Say that again.

Aide 2- So we’re going with the Peanut M&Ms?

Aide 1-Absolutely! Let’s write it up and present it to Pompeo so they can have it ready for the briefing.

(Fox News in background. Two Aides look up and see The Don being interviewed by Laura Ingraham.)

The Don: “Laura, four American embassies were going to be attacked.”

Aide 1-Fuck, there goes the M&M theory.

Aide 2-We could just go with the “nut” part.

Aide1-That sounds good bu wait the president just tweeted that killing Suleimani “doesn’t really matter because of his horrible past.”

Aide 2-Now that’s what they call a drop the mike moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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