How Many Do We Have, Mitch?

The Don: Hello Mitch.

McConnell: Mr. President, it’s 1:00 in the morning.

The Don: You’re having a hard time sleeping, so I thought I’d check in.

McConnell: What?

The Don: You told me you get up 3 times a night to pee- that prostrate problem, right? Of course, I have been told by my doctor that I have the world’s healthiest prostrate. I’m like a camel, Mitch. Can hold it forever; I never get up in the night, never! I’m not a pissy-sissy like you.

McConnell: Prostate, Mr. President, not prostrate. Prostrate means to lay face down in submission or exhaustion: You feeling that way these days, Mr. President?

The Don: “You talking to me,” Mitchy boy? I lay down for no one.

McConnell: Well, you know, silly Ukraine stuff. Impeachment?

The Don: How many do we have Mitch?

McConnell: Mr. President, you just called two hours ago. Nothing has changed from 11:00 till now. I’ll go over it again.

So far we’ve got you covered Mr. President. A few like Ernst and Gardener are buckling a bit. Collins is quivering even more than usual this past week, but she brought Kavanaugh over the finish line, so she’s a gamer. We lost Mitt, pretty sure of that.

The Don: You mean “Mitten the Kitten”.

McConnell: Good one, Mr. President.

The Don: Hold on Mitch.

McConnell: Why?

The Don: Need to tweet that out.

McConnell: What?

The Don: Mitten the Kitten is such a loser. Couldn’t even beat the fake black president. Is that a loser or what? I wouldn’t even want him on my side. By the way, is there any way we can ban Mormons from becoming senators?

McConnell: Mr. President, did you actually tweet that out?

The Don: Of course, I did.

McConnell: With all due respect Mr. President, I think it serves you well to give up on the Obama thing. Keep the Hillary to just get more black people out to vote. I also suggest you go easy on the Mormon thing, though they are kind of kooky. Remember there are a few states where not getting the Mormon vote could really hurt you.

Mr. President, I suggest you get some sleep. You have a lot to face tomorrow. You need your rest. I got everything under control.

The Don: Thanks Mitch.


3:00 AM

The Don: Hello Mitch.

McConnell: Mr. President, I thought you were trying to get some rest.

The Don: Couldn’t sleep. Something you said nagged me.

McConnell: What was it Mr. President?

The Don: You said I had a lot to face tomorrow.

McConnell: Well, you know they just apprehended those two Ukrainian guys.

The Don: I never met them. So they have pictures of me with them. I have zillions of pictures with practically every person in this country. Zillions, Mitch. Do you have any idea how many that is?

McConnell: Hard to fathom zillions, Mr. President, but if anyone has zillions of photos of them with zillions of people it is you.

The Don: So nothing to face there, right Mitch?

McConnell: Mr. President that’s a tricky one as there is a picture of you and those two goons in the White House. Hard to say you don’t know them.

trump and ukrainians.png

The Don: So maybe they were part of a group tour where you get to take your picture with me. That’s possible, isn’t it Mitch.

McConnell: Sure Mr. President, sure it’s possible. You have done so many things that were unimaginable and seemingly impossible that it surely is possible.

The Don: What else am I facing Mitch?

McConnell: Mr. President, you really rattled some of the Senators with the document your lawyers sent to Congress, which states that it is unconstitutional to impeach a president when the constitution allows for it.

The Don: Well, Mitch, if you haven’t figure it out, I think the constitution has some pretty stupid things in it.

And anyway, even if they impeach me, you won’t convict, so I am triumphant. People will rally around me, and I will win a second term and if that happens you ain’t seen nothing yet.

So how many do we have, Mitch?

McConnell: Like I said two hours ago, we are holding the fort. But it’s getting harder Mr. President. You really miffed a bunch of us with the Syria, Turkey, Kurd thing. Lindsey went bonkers. What did Erdogan offer you on that phone call that made you betray our allies?

The Don: That’s our little secret. And don’t worry as I am using my “great and unmatched wisdom” to make sure the Syria thing is under my control. Doesn’t it just piss you off that the Kurds weren’t there with us in Normandy?


And as far as Lindsey goes, I have him wrapped around my finger. Biden isn’t the only one I am digging up dirt on. I know some things about Lindsey that will kill his chances of being re-elected.

McConnell: You do Mr. President?

The Don: You know, Mitch. You know what I’m talking about. The company he keeps.

McConnell: Mr. President, you wouldn’t?

The Don: Just keep Lindsey in line. I don’t want him getting all self-righteous on us and pulling a Goldwater.

OMFG TRUMP - Lindsey Graham.jpg

McConnell: We definitely do not want that. Goldwater’s visit to the White House was the end of Nixon. We will hold the fort Mr. President. Now get some rest.

5:00 AM

The Don: Hello Mitch. How’s the prostrate.

McConnell: Prostate, Mr. President, prostate.

The Don: You think the Ukraine thing will be my undoing?

McConnell: Well, not a good look that they arrested those thugs Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman. And what’s up with Rudy, Mr. President. What’s he doing having lunch with these two at your hotel just before they try to leave the country? (Guiliani with Fruman and Parnas at Trump Hotel handing them one way plane tickets.)

The Don: Ask him. As I said, I don’t know those two. So Mitch, how many do we have?













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