It’s My Baby

I am so confused. Someone needs to help me make sense of the absurdity of Sir William Lowering the Barr’s testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee.

According to what I heard, a sitting president (emphasis on sitting!) can’t be indicted for a crime. Since the purpose of a special prosecutor investigation is to see if a crime was committed, why even have an investigation? In other words, if A (indictment) is not allowed and B (investigation) exists to realize A, then B should not exist, because C (findings) don’t matter? What?

The absurdity continues. According to Barr, “if the president feels an investigation is unfounded, he does not have to sit there constitutionally and allow it to run its course.” What?

What president would ever think an investigation in to their potential wrong- doing was legitimate? Imagine if Tricky Dick had just started the Watergate investigation with: “Hey, I got some tapes you might want to listen to that will prove I am an unscrupulous crook, so why don’t you come over to the oval office for some wine and cheese and crackers and we can listen to them together.”

If a president thinks an investigation into their actions is unfounded, he also can obstruct the investigation with impunity because the investigation shouldn’t have happened to begin with: he has a right to obstruct it because he is just defending himself from unfair treatment. And frankly, the whole investigation is a witch-hunt because it shouldn’t ever have been started.

A good word for this judo-chop obfuscation is Kafkaesque. In Kafka’s classic novel “The Trial,” a man is on trial but doesn’t know what he is on trial for; in The Don’s case, he can’t be put on trial for things he has done because the law doesn’t apply to him while in office. Kafkaesque!

According to Barr, the president is above the law. Sir William Lowering the Barr has just given The Don the gift he has been seeking his entire life: impunity from all his criminal escapades.

The Don is blown away by Barr’s defense of him. He has been heard to say: “If I knew that being president would allow me to commit crimes with impunity, I would have become president a long time ago. Now that I am, I will use my super duper executive powers to become president for life, just like the president of China.”

Tickled by this legal chicanery, The Don has asked KellyAnne Conway and Sarah Hucksterbe Sanders to get started on creating a national holiday. Some working names for the day are: “National Impunity Day,” “Ha, You Can’t Catch Me You Fools,” “Justice, Ha!” Or taking a page out of P.T Barnum’s “A Sucker Is Born Every Minute Day.”

The Don was heard crowing: “Finally, there will be a parade the likes of the world has never seen.” Even my darling Kim Jong-un will be jealous. I need to call Putie right away to celebrate our victory. I can’t wait to see what the GRU cooks about for 2020.

And  we all know it’s Hillary Clinton’s fault anyway. Every time a Republican opened his mouth to ask a question of Barr, Hillary Clinton’s name came up. Her name is such a dirty word it seemed they suffered from a Republican affliction called Clintonette syndrome, which is a sub category of Tourette’s syndrome.

You may not like Hillary Clinton, but according to the Republicans she is responsible for the measles outbreak, has supervised baby killings, and dabbles in running a sex ring.

Speaking of babies, the most breathtaking moment of the hearing for me was when Barr referred to the Mueller report as his baby. His exact words were: “It’s my baby now.”

It was like a scene out of Handmaid’s Tale. Mueller carried the baby to full term and before you could say Jiminy Cricket, Barr made the baby his.

The difference between Mueller’s experience and the women in Handmaiden’s Tale is that Mueller didn’t realize he was a surrogate. That makes Barr a kidnapper, right?

Barr’s kidnapping of the baby, his spreading a false narrative about the report, his lying to congress about whether or not he knew if Mueller agreed with his findings (he said he didn’t know when he already had received a letter from Mueller challenging his interpretation of the report) and refusing to come before congress to testify, makes him umm, a criminal?

The country is surely in trouble as it has a huge immoral baby running it and a baby thief protecting him. Wah!