All The President’s Baristas

Thank God the Shutdown is over. Wilbur Ross can stop being perplexed about why F.B.I. agents needed to go to food banks; members of the Coast Guard can take those big ticket items off eBay and go back to apprehending drug smugglers and saving idiots who go boating in hurricanes; and furloughed workers can assess whether their time off from work was quality vacation time-maybe a trip to Disney with the family? And most importantly, The Don can get his hair coiffed for the “to be determined” State of The Union address that will deliciously be determined by Nancy Pelosi. (‘Please, pretty please, I did what you asked. Why can’t I make my speech as scheduled? Pretty please with a cherry on top!”)

The Don went from “no cave, no cave,” to folding like a lawn chair. Pelosi, a mother and grandmother, has plenty of experience dealing with children when they tantrum and that’s how she played it with The Don. She just said: No!

It wasn’t bad enough that The Don had to give in and open the government without a single penny for his cherished wall, but the F.B.I. showed up at Roger Stone’s home in Florida. Stone’s electronic devices were confiscated and he was hauled in to court and indicted on 7 charges. That’s one pretty bad day in Trumplandia.

Usually, when someone from The Don’s world gets indicted it is only a matter of time that Sarah “Hucksterbee” Sanders issues a statement claiming that the individual indicted is someone they barely knew; or in other words, was just a “coffee boy.” These days “coffee boy” is so old school and I wish they would get with the times and give them the credit they deserve and refer to them as baristas.

So let’s look at some of the baristas that have served up special brews during their association with The Don.

Stone was relegated to barista status the day after his arrest when The Don tweeted: ‘Roger Stone didn’t even work for me anywhere near the Election! WITCH HUNT!’

And sources have leaked that it is only a matter of time that The Don will recirculate an old trope 2008 nickname which labels him a “cold-stone loser” whom I would never have anything to do with because I only win. I guess Stone’s choice of brew would be “Stone Me Cold Brew?”

The iced coffee would come in mugs with Hallmark style quotes such as:

“You are a rat. A stoolie.” “I will rip you to shreds.” “Let’s get it on. Prepare to die.” (This was all said to Randy Credico, a Stone accomplice, who cooperated with the Special Prosecutor.)

The mugs would also feature an adorable dog (Credico’s) and in homage to the “Wicked Witch of the Wizard of Oz” a threat to “take that dog away from you.” And to add insult to injury, Credico’s dog is a therapy dog. I ask you: How low can one go! Shit, that’s some Cold Brew!

omfg trump - roger stone witch mug

There will also be a special edition mug that has a photo of the tattoo Stone has of Richard Nixon on his back with the quote “I am not a crook.”

I am so tickled that Steve Bannon (another man The Don barely knew!) has reentered the conversation after a world tour of fomenting dystopian right wing revolutions throughout the world.

The Don made it clear that Manafort’s shenanigans had nothing to do with him.

If you recall, The Don’s former adviser told the author Michael Wolff that he thought the Trump Tower meeting was “treasonous.” Yet he had no problem cooperating with WikiLeaks, according to the Stone indictment. He is apparently the “high-ranking Trump Campaign official” who asked Mr. Stone on Oct. 4, 2016, about future WikiLeaks releases. Three days later, after the first stolen emails from Mrs. Clinton’s campaign chairman, John Podesta, were released, one of Mr. Bannon’s associates texted Mr. Stone, “well done.”

So in honor of Steve we present “Burnt Roast”, a special blend for those who like their beans extra roasted or “well done.”

Let’s move on to the Paul Manafort. As a bonus, we get to bring back another oldie but goodie, former White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer. If you recall he announced to the world that The Don’s inauguration was the most well attended ever despite photos clearly showing that Obama’s was much more bigly.

He also said claimed that Manafort played a “limited role for a limited amount of time.” Wrong! Manafort did not play a “limited role” in the campaign. He was involved with the campaign for five months, serving as campaign chairman for three of those months until he resigned in August of 2016.

Manafort has been convicted of numerous crimes and faces many years in prison. In his honor, we introduce the “Jailhouse Brew”, aka, Cafe Oleg (Derapsaka.)

OMFG TRUMP - Cafe Oleg.jpg

And what about Georgie Papadopolous, the original ‘coffee boy?’

Michael Caputo, a former Trump campaign aide said this of Georgie:

“The guy was — he was the coffee boy,” “I mean, you might’ve called him a foreign policy analyst, but, in fact, you know, if he was going to wear a wire, all we’d know now is whether he prefers a caramel macchiato over a regular American coffee in conversations with his barista. He had nothing to do with the campaign.”

I wonder if the FBI served up some caramel macchiato while Georgie was lying to them regarding his interactions with Russia-linked contacts, including a promise of “thousands of emails” and “dirt” on Hillary Clinton.

And then there is Mike Flynn the ‘who’s he?” former National Security Advisor and Michael Cohen, the “he worked for me for 10 years as a legal counsel but did nothing for me” baristas.

Soon it will be Don Jr.’s turn to fact the music and The Don has already prepared a statement: “He’s not my child!”

Guess they are going to have to open up a few Starbucks in prisons in order to put all these baristas to work.

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