Will He, Or Won’t He?

Before we get in to the meat of the article, which is about whether the Don will or won’t sit down with Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller, let’s look at some other will or will nots.

Will you look at Melania getting all feisty with her support for Lebron James’s $41 million dollar school after her racist, bully of a husband, maligned James’s intelligence? She even put out a statement suggesting that she would be happy to visit the school. Wouldn’t that be a hoot: Melania and James walking down the pristine school corridors, exchanging niceties, the first lady graciously accepting an invitation to Lebron’s first home game in his new role as “The King” for the Los Angeles. Lakers?

OMFG TRUMP - Melania and LeBron

Maybe she will have the official roll out of her anti-bullying campaign at Lebron’s school? The roll out could be part of an English teachers lesson in defining irony: wife of biggest bully (ever!) taking on bullying.

But the most important question is: Will Melania leave The Don the moment he is no longer president?

Now The Don has pretty much admitted that his wonderful son was involved in a meeting with Russians to get dirt on the opposition it begs the question: Will Don Jr. eventually become Paul Manafort’s cell mate?

And what about Wilbur Ross, our upstanding Secretary of Commerce, who has reportedly stolen as much as $120 million for business partners?  What will happen to poor Wilbur? Do they do triples in jail cells?

OMFG TRUMP - Jailbirds.jpg

So many intriguing questions! Guess we will have to wait and see.

But will he or won’t he? Will The Don sit down with Mueller to put this whole Russia hoax and witch- hunt to rest?

Let’s look at what Rudy Guiliani, The Don’s carnival barking PR man has said about this.

May 18

“The president would testify tomorrow if it was about the truth. The truth is that he had nothing to do with Russia. I was on that campaign. He didn’t talk to Russians. He had nothing to do with Russia. He is as surprised about the Russia connection as you would be.”

“It’s like Martha Stewart,” he said. “Martha Stewart never would have gone to jail if she hadn’t gone and testified.”

This makes perfect sense. Our English teacher from before could add the meaning of hypocrisy with the lesson on irony, pointing out that Guiliani was a former federal prosecutor who made his reputation on getting bad guys to tell the truth or go to jail for perjury.

May 29th

“I guess I’d rather do the interview. It gets it over with. It makes my client happy,” Giuliani said in an interview with The Washington Post. “The safe course you hear every lawyer say is don’t do the interview, and that’s easy to say in the abstract. That’s much harder when you have a client who is the president of the United States and wants to be interviewed.”

“They may have a different version of the truth than we do,” Giuliani said.

Yes, Rudy, since there are ‘alternative facts” there must be ‘alternative truths.”

June 3rd

“We’re leaning toward not. But look, if they can convince us that it will be brief, it would be to the point, there were five or six points they have to clarify, and with that, we can get this long nightmare for the American public over,” Giuliani said on ABC’s “This Week with George Stephanopoulos.”

June 15

“There should not be an investigation,” the former New York mayor said, in an interview with the hosts of “Fox and Friends.” “Mueller should now make a report, everything he has got. No interview of the president. He shouldn’t be bothered with it. Why would he get interviewed in a corrupt investigation?”

July 7

In an interview with the New York Times, Rudy Giuliani said that President Trump will not agree to be interviewed by Special Counsel Robert Mueller unless Mueller proves that the president has committed a crime, and that his cooperation is essential to solve that crime.

“If they can come to us and show us the basis and that it’s legitimate and that they have uncovered something, we can go from there and assess their objectivity,” Giuliani said.

July 24

President Donald Trump would agree to an interview with Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigators if it’s limited to questions on whether his presidential campaign colluded with Russia in the 2016 election, lawyer Rudy Giuliani said on Monday night.

Trump is demanding in return that he isn’t asked questions about obstruction of justice in the probe into election interference, under a proposal the president’s legal team submitted to Mueller, Giuliani said.

The president’s legal team is concerned that Mueller and his staff might believe witnesses who contradicted Trump’s account, such as former FBI Director James Comey, Giuliani said. That could leave the president vulnerable to a perjury charge, he added.

Let’s summarize.

  1. The investigation shouldn’t be happening.
  2. There are different truths so how will you know which truth is true?
  3. The interview needs to be brief.
  4. The questions Mueller can ask have to be only about certain things.
  5. Obstruction of Justice is out and definitely do not mention the name James Comey, as it gets The Don very upset. The idea that Comey could possibly be telling the truth is absurd!
  6. Since The Don has said repeatedly, no collusion, no collusion (has he ever said no collusion without adding a second no collusion?)  there can be questions about that, since there is definitely no collusion, no collusion.
  7. It is time to end this nightmare of a presidency; oops, I mean investigation.

But what will The Don do?

On numerous occasions The Don has, with utter confidence, stated he wants to speak with Mueller.

Of course this is terrifying to his legal council as The Don is an inveterate prevaricator who will perjure himself in a minute. Their concern that The Don’s meeting with Mueller is a “perjury trap” is laughable. Traps are supposed to be secretive, unknown to the victim. The Don has been hearing, “perjury trap, perjury trap” for months now, so he knows what he is walking in to; he is not being trapped but he will undoubtedly commit perjury.

But The Don, being the grandiose narcissist he is, feels the same way about Mueller as he does about Putin and Kim Jong-un. These are powerful men who he can go toe to toe with and come out the victor. And despite what the fallout has been from those two meetings, The Don is convinced his emergence from these encounters was triumphant. He is being duped and played by the two despots, but his beliefs in his own greatness precludes his ability to process reality and puts our national security at risk. His facility for delusion is astonishing: his delusions of grandeur are what make him so dangerous but also have the potential to topple him. If he lies there are consequences.

The Don truly believes that if he sits down with Mueller he will win him over and that Mueller will realize what a great guy he is; he will convert him by hypnotizing him with his charisma and charm like he has his Republican acolytes. The end result will be an end to the investigation followed by a round of golf at Bedminister to celebrate.

Unfortunately, for The Don Mueller doesn’t appear to be the type of person who can be hypnotized. He is man of law and in his universe there are facts and there are truths-none of which is up for negotiation. There are answers that are simply yes or no.

What follows is an imagined meeting between The Don and Mueller. Rudy Giuliani waits outside nervously.

OMFG TRUMP - Perjury Trap.jpg

Mueller: Good morning Mr. President.

The Don: Good morning Bob.

Mueller: You know that you are under oath and it is a crime to lie to a federal prosecutor.

The Don: I know all about the perjury trap. But it’s nothing compared to the sand trap on the 14th green at my Bedminster golf course.

Mueller: Once again, for the record, please acknowledge that lying to a federal prosecutor is a crime.

The Don: Oh Bob, you know me. I am the most truthful person I know.

Mueller: First question: Mr. President, did you watch CNN this morning before you came here?

The Don: That’s what you are asking me? Of course I didn’t. That’s totally fake news. And don’t you agree that Don Lemon is an idiot? And can you believe the other idiot Lebron? You know when I was a teenager I was the best baseball player in New York. (This is something he actually said!) If I had played basketball I could have wiped the floor with Lebron.

Screen Shot 2018-08-12 at 2.46.22 PM.png

Mueller: Is that a yes or no, Mr. President?

The Don: Absolutely, totally no. So no, there has never been a greater no ever stated!

Mueller: That’s one pretty powerful, no Mr. President. Is that your final answer?

The Don: Absolutely! (The Don looking at his watch) So are we finished? They said it would be only a few questions? I have a tee time in an hour. Lindsey Graham is joining me. How about you join us? I’ll even wave your fee. I know you are a stickler about that kind of thing.

Mueller: Silence

The Don: (Exasperated) Listen Bob, do I look like the kind of guy who would collude with the Russians?

Mueller: I guess we will find out.

The Don: Are you trying to agitate me, Bob?

Mueller: I am just doing the job I was appointed to do, Mr. President.

The Don: Have you ever been to Mar-a-Lago, Bob?

Mueller: Did you know that Don Jr. was taking that meeting with the Russians in Trump Tower to get dirt on Hillary Clinton?

The Don: Slow down Bob. We were just talking about Mar-a-Lago. It’s really beautiful Bob.

Mueller: Yes or no, Mr. President.

The Don: I was visualizing my golf swing and my 400 foot drive off the tee so can you repeat the question. You know Tiger Woods has never hit a 400 yard tee shot.

Mueller: Did you know Don Jr. was meeting with Russians to get dirt on Hillary Clinton?

The Don: Absolutely not! That would be collusion and there was no collusion, no collusion, Bob. And also, like Paul Manafort, Don Jr. was barely part of my campaign so why would I speak to him? In fact, I think I am going to check his birth certificate because I am not even sure that he is my son. It will be my new birther thing. Ha!

Mueller: Silence

The Don: Didn’t you think that was funny. Stop being such a stiff. You need to learn how to have some fun.

Mueller: Mr President, I want to remind me you again that committing perjury is a crime. So let me ask you again: Did you know that Don Jr. was meeting with the Russians to get dirt on Hillary Clinton?

The Don: Absolutely not! Any more questions?

Mueller: That will be all.

Giuliani: How did it go?

The Don: Piece a cake. I hit it out of the park! He is playing golf with me and Lindsey Graham next Tuesday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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