The Don is a chaos machine. His need for attention, obsession with controlling the narrative and exerting his power, is like nothing we have ever seen before. It’s out-right dizzying. And as the Mueller investigation quietly moves in closer, circling him like a pack of Ridgebacks surrounding a lion in the African bush, The Don is becoming more desperate and the fusillade of noise and decibel levels of his roar intensify.
In a matter of a few days, he shocked the world by imposing tariffs on our allies despite vociferous opposition. Republicans finally awoke from their Trumpian hypnotic slumber and got all hot and bothered about tariffs, but as for children being cruelly separated from their parents seeking asylum in the U.S., meh?
And to put the proverbial cherry on top, The Don unexpectedly requested that Russia be added back to the G-7 Group, which was once the G-8, but is now more like the G-7 minus 1 (the minus one being the U.S.). Russia was excluded from the group because it invaded the Ukraine and annexed Crimea. That’s like your child inviting your friend over to your house and realizing that all the jewelry is gone and having the parent ask: “When is your friend coming over again, it was really so much fun.” The fact that that Russia committed an act of cyber terrorism by meddling in our election doesn’t seem to be of much concern to our Putin lover. All I can say is that when the facts come out about went down between Putin and The Don (and what Putin has on The Don) it is going to make the Steele Report’s ‘Pee Scene” look like a scene of children playfully running through a sprinkler on a hot summer’s day.
Full steam ahead on North Korea! The Don finally conceded he might not be able to get the deal done in one shot but a picture with Kim Jong-un will be sent immediately to the Nobel Committee with a note saying:
“I know you will do the right thing; but if you don’t, the American people will know your system is rigged.
Then he got in to a tiff with the World Champion Philadelphia Eagles who he disinvited to the White House because 75% of the team didn’t want to come to receive praise from a racist who just pressured the NFL to fine players for exercising their right to free speech and take a knee in protest during the National Anthem. Instead, he created a bizarre “love of country” event for true Americans, and made a complete fool of himself by failing to know the words to the National Anthem or God Bless America. Most people who don’t know the words to a song try to blend in to the woodwork, but in true form, The Don took center stage. When someone asked him about his difficulty with the words he said: “Its just words; why is everyone so bogged down with the words from a song?”
When it was pointed out that actually no Philadelphia Eagle took a knee, “Lying Like a Fox News” served up some reality TV by showing Eagles players on a knee, except these Eagles were taking a knee in prayer. When someone pointed this out to him rumor has it that he responded: “a knee is a knee.”
By now, we all know that the Second most important man in the country is Sean Hannity. What you didn’t know is that The Don and Sean have been secretly working on developing the Fox Reality Show Network. Here are some of the ideas being floated:
Who is the Greatest?
The Don and Kim Jong-un go tit for tat on their accomplishments and a studio audience votes for their favorite.
*Kim Jong-un: On my first golf outing I shot 5 holes in ones.
The Don: I had a score of 36 for 18 holes just last week.
*Kim Jong-un: I bowled 300 the first time I ever bowled.
The Don: I am the greatest president the United States has ever had.
Kim Jong-un: I am leader for life.
The Don: So Am I
*Kim Jong-un: A magical white sea cucumber threw itself into a fisherman’s net to celebrate the wise rule of the Workers’ Party.
The Don: I am single handedly destroying western civilization.
(The Don and Kim Jong-un simultaneously): I am going to get the Nobel Peace prize. (Laughter)
Each week Republican members of Congress will be presented with false evidence in the vein of “Spygate” in order to incriminate someone The Don doesn’t like and decide whether or not to have the individual prosecuted.
Who Should I Shoot
After Rudy Guiliani’s looney tune remark stating that even if The Don had shot James Comey he couldn’t be subpoenaed or indicted while in office, the creative people at the new channel were inspired. Each week The Don will spend the first part of the show with a pardoned Joe Arpaio discussing his love of guns. The second half will be having the home audience text in which of three chosen enemies they would like him to shoot.
In honor of Scott Pruitt’s gaming the system they are developing Rip Off. They are also working on a few spin-offs. One has the working title of: Don’t You Want to Sleep with Him? The first part of the show has Pruitt going to different Trump properties and trying out mattresses to see what the best deals are. The second part of the show is contestants talking about their sexual fantasies about The Don and sleeping with him in those beds. The other spin- off is called The Franchise. This show has Pruitt traveling around the country with his wife searching for the perfect place to open up a Chick-fil-A.
Pardon Me and You, Too
The Don’s recent pardoning of Dinesh D’Souza, who was convicted of violating campaign finance laws and rumors of pardons for former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich and Martha Stewart, have created a lot of buzz. There is talk in the west Wing that The Don has become obsessed with his powers of pardon and more is yet to come. He also believes he has the power to pardon himself.
“As has been stated by numerous legal scholars, I have the absolute right to PARDON myself, but why would I do that when I have done nothing wrong?”
In this show, The Don is presented stories of individuals who committed fraud, money laundering and treason and gets to decide who deserves his mercy.
*These statements by Kim Jong-on are actually sound bites piped in on speakers North Korea that Nicholas Kristof of the N.Y. Times heard when he was visiting North Korea.