The Greatest Take Home Exam (Ever!)

In the spirit of millions of undergraduate and graduate students in colleges across the U.S., The Don is hoping for a take-home exam. Let’s face it: given the choice of having to perform in the classroom in real time, who wouldn’t want the opportunity to have all the resources you need at your finger tips to ace the exam?

Issues of plagiarism or having another student do your work are concerning, but professors trust that their students are honorable.

When the now famous 49 questions were unveiled this week, the buzz was deafening. (Just to clarify: These 49 questions were constructed by Jay Sekulow, The Don’s lawyer, from what he perceived were 16 topics of inquiry by Mueller and his team.)

When The Don heard about the questions he wanted to know if he could do a take home exam. “When I was in college I never wrote my own papers, I just paid someone to do it. It was kinda cool. I had this one Jewish kid, real smart, that could write those things in his sleep. I would never use the black kids. Jews are good like that, just like they make good accountants.” Back in his heady bankruptcy days in Atlantic City The Don had this to say:

“Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day. … I think that the guy is lazy. And it’s probably not his fault, because laziness is a trait in blacks. It really is, I believe that. It’s not anything they can control.”

But when the The Don heard that his lawyer turned 16 into 49 he said: What an idiot you are! It was fine to increase our inauguration crowd size, but this? Anyway, you know I can’t read that much.

Sekulow responded: Who said you will need to read them? We will take care of it boss. Go back to watching Fox News.

The Don did get a sense of the questions and was able to declare that none of them were about collusion.

“So disgraceful that the questions concerning the Russian Witch Hunt were ‘leaked’ to the media,” Trump tweeted. “No questions on Collusion. Oh, I see…you have a made up, phony crime, Collusion, that never existed, and an investigation begun with illegally leaked classified information. Nice!”

Unbelievable, he said. After all that, all they want to know about is such a loser thing like obstruction of justice. Obstruction of justice: what American cares about that? Look how they are wasting my valuable time. Interfering with the work of the president. I should be working on my Nobel Peace Prize speech for bringing lasting peace to the Koreas. I could have played at least 4 holes of golf during the time it took me to skim these questions. What a waste of the taxpayer money!

Funny thing is that despite The Don’s delusional belief that there were no questions on collusion, there happen to be 14 questions about collusion. Maybe he skipped those or maybe if he did read them, he didn’t understand what they were about. Or maybe, because the word collusion didn’t appear directly in the questions, he assumed “no collusion, no collusion!”

Any lawyer with half his wits about them (sorry Rudy) would advise The Don not to sit down with Mueller.

Lawyer: It’s a perjury trap, Mr. President.

The Don: Ha! We call the sand trap on the 7^th hole at Doral the perjury trap. It’s a deep hole- the ball just lies there, very deep, very deep.

Lawyer: So what do you do, Mr. President, when you are in this very, deep, very deep hole?

The Don: First I hack away at the ball which just makes it lie further and then I do what I always do: create a distraction and then toss the ball out of the hole.

Lawyer: Oh, you mean you cheat and take a mulligan.

The Don: Yep, one of those.

Lawyer: Mr. President, do you realize there are no mulligans when you speak to the special prosecutor under oath?

The Don: Are you shitting me? Well then let’s just change that.

Lawyer: Well…

The Don: What’s the point of being president if you can’t do things the way you want. I had more control and power when I was running my real estate business.

Lawyer: I know that in your business world the rule of law didn’t matter, but in this case it does.

The Don: I bet Putin doesn’t have to answer to anything. He just does whatever he wants and the people love him. You know, he was in the room with me during the golden shower thing. You don’t see anyone bringing him before no prosecutor. Unfair. Total witch hunt!

Lawyer: Um, Mr. President. If I heard what I think I just heard, that’s another reason speaking to Mueller is not such a good idea.

The Don: Damn. I was just having a little fun. This job as president isn’t any fun. It’s so annoying.

Lawyer: Sure is. So how about we do the take home exam?

The Don: Fine!

Question 1: What did you mean in your interview with Lester Holt about Mr. Comey and Russia?

 Answer: I wanted Lester to pick up his ratings. The Russia thing gets ratings. Lester is a nice guy. He’s the only black anchor on a major network. Kind of white looking though. And they call me racist? Just want to give a shout out to Kanye West. Did you see my numbers with blacks? I think I would get more blacks to vote for me than Obama.

Question 2: When did you become aware of the Trump Tower meeting in which Don Jr., Paul Manafort and Jared Kushner met with Russians.

The Don: Ridiculous question. There are so many meetings with different Russians in Trump Towers who could keep it straight. They love the apartments and just want to buy more and more. Anyway, that was an adoption meeting. The other meeting that actually was part of that day that no one knows about was about building my dream Trump Tower in Moscow.

Question 3: During a 2013 trip to Russia, what communication and relationships did you have with the Agalarovs and Russian government officials?

The Don: Phew, an easy one. It was a total mix-up. I thought I was invited to a special, exclusive performance by Eminem, but instead there was this silly singer called Emin. I was like: are you kidding with this stuff? Total loser.

Question 4: During the campaign, what did you know about Russian hacking, use of social media or other acts aimed at the campaign?

The Don: Another easy one. The 400 pound kid’s name is Bobby Kremlin. He did it all. Sorry Krems but I couldn’t protect you any more.

Question 5: What involvement did you have concerning platform changes regarding arming Ukraine?

The Don; Man these just get easier and easier. I am glad I didn’t study too much as it would have been such a waste of time. The answer: I haven’t been on a train platform, like forever. So the answer is none.

Question 6: What did you know about communication between Roger Stone, his associates, Julian Assange or WikiLeaks?

The Don: Damn, I am going to ace this thing! The only leak I love is Wikileaks! So if it is a crime to love something then prosecute me!

Question 7: What did you know during the transition about an attempt to establish back-channel communication to Russia, and Jared Kushner’s efforts?

The Don: What a loser question! Before I answer that, I do want to say that I always thought Jared was a good man; but now, Rudy has me thinking that he is kind of disposable. And as far as that question goes: why would he need a back channel when we were talking to the Russians all the time. We already had a front channel. Ha!

The Don: Listen, I need a break. I haven’t watched Fox News in over an hour. Also, this stuff is so boring so do me a favor and you answer the rest. Ok.

But if The Don did go before Mueller here are the questions I hope he would ask.

Do you use Propecia?

Do you and Melania still do the nasty? (Before you answer know that we have interviewed her.)

Did you write your doctor’s letter attesting to your superlative health?

Did John Kelly call you an idiot?

Did Rex Tillerson call you a moron?

Do you cheat in golf?

Do you know who Frederick Douglass is?

Do you watch CNN?

Did you have sex with that woman Stormy?

Are you sorry you brought on Rudy Giuliani?*

The beauty of The Don is that no matter what he is asked, he will lie. There in lies the perjury trap. And guess what; they’re ain’t no mulligans for this trap!

*The only question he will answer honestly with a resounding YES!