Bush League

Thousands showed up to former first lady Barbara Bush’s funeral. The casket was barely lowered when The Don tweeted “nice crowd today in Houston for Barbara, but when I go, crowd will be much biglier.”

The Don opted not to attend, “to avoid disruptions due to added security, and out of respect for the Bush family.”

To be fair, most presidents do not usually attend funerals of former first ladies.

But Melania was there and so were Hillary and Michelle. Not only was Melania in attendance, she actually smiled in public, a sighting that has become as rare as a lunar eclipse. From the looks of it, she seemed to be sharing a moment of lightness with former president Obama, who she was seated next to.

Got to give it up for the event planner who seated her next to Obama.

Rumor has it, that when The Don took a break from his golf game to watch a few moments of the proceedings and saw the seating arrangements, he was furious; he immediately called up Mitch McConnell and had him promise to bring up another vote on the Senate floor to Repeal and Replace Obamacare! He turned to his caddy lamenting: “I thought we erased that guy! Now he is sitting next to my wife? And she’s smiling? She never smiles when she is with me!”.

From that moment on his golf game tanked and it was one shank after another; there were so many mulligans they ran out of golf balls.

Besides the official reasons given for The Don’s absence, what other factors could have influenced his decision?

1. He would have the lowest approval ratings of any president in attendance?
2. There would be people speaking for long periods of time about someone else?
3. Barbara Bush was nice and all that, but he would never be caught dead with her. She was definitely not his type?
4. The last time he was in Houston it had just suffered devastating consequences from a hurricane and he had no interest in returning to such a loser place?
5. Funerals are for losers?

Of course there is no love lost between The Bush family and The Don.

Barbara had this to say about The Don:

“He doesn’t give many answers to how he would solve problems. He sort of makes faces and says insulting things … He’s said terrible things about women, terrible things about the military. I don’t understand why people are for him, for that reason. I’m a woman … I’m not crazy about what he says about women.”

George Bush Sr. referred to The Don as a ”blowhard.”

George W had this to say: “This guy doesn’t know what it means to be president.” This from a guy whose administration should have been prosecuted for lying about the presence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and convinced congress to start a war based on falsities.

The Don really unnerved Jeb during the campaign with one of his derisive monikers: “low energy Jeb.”

Jeb who entered the campaign as the favorite was emasculated by The Don and recently joked that he was still in therapy as a result of what happened during the campaign. (Good for you Jeb. Therapy should be a requirement for anyone who wants to be president!) (Jeb Bush lying on a couch in therapist office:

Jeb recently stated in a speech he gave at Yale, that after the campaign, he went home to “children who actually love me.”

Don Jr. responded with this tweet:

“Jeb! I love everything about my father. I love that he’s a fighter, I love that he has guts, I love that he’s President (all those things you’re not) Also love that he learned enough about politics in a few weeks to dismantle you piece by piece despite it being your life’s work”

Not so fast, Don Jr. In 2006, CNBC’s Donny Deutsch, host of the TV show The Big Idea, to get the “next-generation billionaire secrets” on how to make it big. This is what Don Jr. said about his loving father:

“Seven o’clock in the morning, I’m going to school—hugs, kisses, and he used to say a couple things. ‘No smoking, no drinking, no drugs.’ I think a great lesson for any kid. But then he followed up with: ‘Don’t. Trust. Anyone. Ever.’ And, you know, he’d follow it up two seconds later with, ‘So, do you trust me?’ I’d say, ‘Of course, you’re my dad.’ He’d say, ‘What did I just—’ You know, he thought I was a total failure. He goes, ‘My son’s a loser, I guess.’ Because I couldn’t even understand what he meant at the time. I mean, it’s not something you tell a four-year-old, right? But it really means something to him.”

Now that we have recapped Family Feud: the Bushes vs The Don, let’s return to the other main event: The Don vs Obama.

Did I already say that the funeral event planner is now one of my favorite people for seating Melania next to Obama?

There was a moment when Obama leaned over to whisper something to Melania. Let’s imagine what transpired?

Obama: Melania, this must be so hard for you. Do you have an exit strategy?

Melania: Grimace, then a smile.

Obama: I hear there are a lot of things that are getting broken in fits of rage. Could you do me a favor? I left my Nobel Peace Prize in a drawer. Could you arrange to get it for me?

Melania: Do you want the bust of MLK, too? I don’t think it goes with the furniture and I guess by now it is pretty clear that my husband isn’t exactly a fan.

Obama: Grimace and then a smile.

Melania: Another smile.

Obama: Frankly, Melania, I don’t know how you are surviving in that asylum.

Melania: What can I say, it’s a stormy place to be.

Obama: Well, if you ever need a place to stay, you are always welcome.

Melania: Big smile.