Don’t You Just Love A Parade?

When President Macron invited The Don to France for Bastille Day last July, it was a masterful stroke of political guile. Word on the street back then was that even though the parade was to honor the French Revolution, the end of autocracy, culminating in the beheading of Marie Antoinette (Wasn’t she the one who said “Let them eat “Nothing Burgers?”), that Macron was able to convince The Don that the parade really was for him. Given The Don’s exhaustive knowledge of history, the irony of the moment, was way above his head. (“Off with his head,” chanted the crowd.)

It was reported that The Don was in such awe of the extravaganza that he was even more focused then when he is preying on women. Of course he was. Combine the Don’s delusional belief, that everything is about him, his need to be admired and celebrated and his complete ignorance of history, it is not difficult to imagine that he believed they were marching in full regalia for him.

When the parade was over, The Don turned to Macron and like a 2 year old demanding: “Do it again, do it again.”

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At dinner, The Don could not stop talking about the parade. He was beaming. Thank you for honoring me this way. We need to do one of these in the United States. And by the way, this escargot is gross, got any cheeseburgers?

The moment Don returned home he called Secretary of Defense Mattis and asked him to start drawing up plans for the most bigly and greatest military parade ever; he then asked his most loyal confidant, Hope Hicks, to procure footage of the military parades in North Korea. He swore Hicks to secrecy, confiding his admiration for Kim Jung-un. Instead of asking her to do the Texas two-step, he demanded they mimic the North Korean soldiers and do the N.K. goose step together. Hope, he said, we need to bring in a goose-step teacher to train our military. What do ya think?

And one more thing Hope, we are not going to stand for those treasonous democrats not standing and clapping for me. Democrats are un-American. They are not interested in protecting our great nation. They want all the immigrant criminals to remain. We need to get rid of all the riff-raff that threatens us both from the inside and outside. This parade is about those who believe in America. In North Korea, you know what happens to someone who doesn’t applaud “little rocket man? Just saying.

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 Senator Tammy Duckworth, who lost both her legs in Iraq said this about the The Don’s treason comment “We don’t live in a dictatorship or a monarchy. I swore an oath—in the military and in the Senate—to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, not to mindlessly cater to the whims of Cadet Bone Spurs and clap when he demands I clap.”

Surprisingly, the man who made fun of a disabled reporter during the campaign, who insulted John McCain for not being a hero because he was captured, who took on the Kahns, gold star parents of Muslim faith, had no public retort for Duckworth, though there was rumor that he really wanted to tweet: What kind of soldier is she. I like people with both their legs. Sad, so sad.

Of course, this parade has nothing to do with honoring our military and everything to do with The Don’s penis and ego, which, by the way, are actually connected to each other. Remember: Size is everything! And he had such large bone spurs-so huge- they wouldn’t let him serve in the military. I think he was exempted on five occasions.

Lindsey Graham had this to say about the idea of a parade: “I’m not looking for a Soviet-style hardware display. That’s not who we are,” “It’s kind of cheesy. I think it shows weakness, quite frankly.”

Representative Adam Smith of Washington State, the top Democrat on the House Armed Services Committee, noted that past military parades in the United States marked “major national events such as The Gulf War or the end of World War II, as achievements by the American people who fought in and supported those efforts.”

“A military parade like this — one that is unduly focused on a single person — is what authoritarian regimes do, not democracies,” Mr. Smith said in a statement.

But let’s say The Don gets his way and some version of his parade becomes reality. I have some ideas for the planning committee.

I definitely think that General John Kelly, The Don’s current Chief of Staff, should be leading the parade. After all, he is a great defender of our nation, particularly when it comes to defending men who have assaulted their wives. (After all, we are talking about combat?)

Flanking him should be his buddy Rob Portman and David Sorenson, who left their their posts in the White House because of spousal abuse (though they deny it). Despite knowing of F.B.I. reports of the abuse, Kelly allowed both Porter and Sorenson to stay on. Kelly came to Porter’s defense and said: he was a “man of integrity and honor” and urged him not to quit.

Remarkably, Portman was given the highest level security clearance and had access to everything the president had, even though the F.B.I.’s background check revealed his abusive past and prevented him from having such high level security. Guess someone had to read all the documents! After all, Portman is a Harvard graduate; and yes, even Harvard graduates perpetrate domestic violence. Fancy that!

Kelly was also a character witness in a 2016 court martial hearing for Marine Colonel Todd Shane Tomko. Tomko admitted to sending explicit messages to a female subordinate and forcibly kissing a marine corporal. If that wasn’t enough, he was later accused of 7 child abuse felonies sexual battery and cruelty to children.

The Don himself doubled down on his support for Porter claiming he was the victim of a smear campaign. I guess the documents showing restraining orders from one ex-wife and photos of the other wife with a black eye were just more fake news to him.

With Kelly leading the way, the rest of the standard bearer of the flag are all upstanding citizens of The Don’s world of assault and battery.

Porter, Sorenson and Tomko should flank Kelly, with pedophile Roy Moore right behind. What would a parade in honor of our defense of Americans be like without Roy, standard- bearer and role model for protecting our nations children?

And Joe Arapaio, we miss you so. Please join us and bring some of those bad hombres with you-perhaps chain them on to one of the tanks?

Let’s not forget Greg Gianforte, recently elected congressman from Montana, who body slammed a reporter because he asked too many questions.

And what about Steve Bannon, affectionately referred to by The Don as Bam Bam, who was accused of domestic violence by his former wife. Even the fun loving Flinstones are sullied by The Don.

Corey Lewandowski needs to be there, too for physically assaulting a reporter during a campaign event.

And we should not forget, Mike Tyson, whom The Don defended, and who spent years in jail for raping an 18 year old.

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And while we are it, let’s not forget about sexual predators Bill O’Reilly, Roger Ailes who The Don defended.

Now that we have presented The Don’s flag bearers, it’s time to talk floats. Really, what parade is worth its weight without floats?

Hands down the most popular float will be Putin, bare-chested, on horseback. Niet?

Putin will be followed by The Don’s autocratic buddies: Philippine President, despot Rodrigo Duarte, Egyptian leader, Abdel Fattah el Sisi, Poland’s champion of democracy, Andrez Duda, Turkey’s Recep Erdogan and yes, believe it or not, North Korea’s little rocket.

Don’t you just love a parade?

Carnival float with a paper-mache caricature of Russia's President Vladimir Putin drives past revellers during the traditional Rose Monday carnival parade in the western German city of Duesseldorf

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