Shut (And Stripped) Down

On January 20th, all the stars aligned: the government was shutdown; the $100,000 couple ($250,000 if you wanted a picture) gala celebration of The Don’s coronation was well, shutdown; women marched all around the world in support of women’s rights and in opposition to our Predator-in Chief; and Stormy Daniels, the porn star at the center of The Don’s less known Reality TV show: “Who Do We Pay Off this Week?” made an appearance at the Trophy Lounge in Greensville South Carolina.

OMFG TRUMP - Strmy Daniels.jpg

Many wondered why The Don was so absent from the shenanigans going on in the U.S. Senate that was struggling to avoid a government shutdown. Where was the great dealmaker? After all, he had the power to move things forward, but his inability to communicate what he wanted in a coherent, consistent manner made him look severely deal-making challenged!

At one point, Chuck Schumer, the Senate Minority leader, even offered up money for the infamous wall and thought he had a deal, but The Don reneged after his right wing posse, led by Chief of Staff John Kelly, stormed the doors of the Oval Office wearing t-shirts that read: “Remember Joe Arpaio.” Their words to The Don: The people who love you, your base, will love you no more if you make that deal. And we know how much this man needs to be loved!

OMFG TRUMP - john kelly.jpg

I can only imagine the rage The Don felt when he had to accept that he couldn’t go to Mara-a-lago to celebrate the one year anniversary of his coronation. And believe me, I am certain it took a number of meetings with staffers and some intravenous Valium to make him realize that it wouldn’t be the best optics to be dancing to Sinatra’s “My Way,” while raking in millions of dollars, when federal workers would be furloughed. But optics are relative as just the week before, during MLK’s birthday, when the Don decided to play golf instead of doing anything to acknowledge the day, concern for optics were sort of, meh-though there is rumor that he suggested having some black children caddy and chase down all his shanked balls which are the source of all those mulligans he is famous for.

So what was he doing during all the bru-ha, ha, ha ha, ha, ha, in that laughable, pathetic place called the U.S. Senate? First, my favorite moment in the proceedings: a self-righteous Mitch McConnell feigning crocodile tears, chastising the stalwart democrats for being cruel murderers by not signing on to keep the budget going which was tied to continuing to fund C.H.I.P (Child Health Insurance Program.) The cynicism and duplicity of that move by McConnell makes my blood boil. The party that wanted to strip healthcare away from 20 million people now suddenly getting all -bleeding -heart about children’s healthcare. If you recall, in December Orin Hatch, who helped push a trillion dollar tax bill through said: “the reason C.H.I.P. (which costs $14 billion) is in trouble is because we don’t have the money anymore.”

So what was the president doing during all the handwringing, secret meetings between Chuck and Mitch and lively discussion?

  1. Watching Fox News
  2. Eating Cheeseburgers
  3. Practicing his Golf Swings while screaming the only bleep holes I want to see are on my Doral golf course
  4. Watching a video of the largest crowd ever to attend an inauguration
  5. Being reminded by Melania that if he ever tries to come in to her room she will call security.
  6. Wondering what it was like down in old Greenville, South Carolina where Stormy Daniels was about to “take it all off” and jump start her tour and campaign to: “Make America Horny Again.”
      Answer:  All of the above. First let me say this: Go Stormy! If you have chosen to be a porn star and a stripper as your way of making a livelihood there is no judgment. If you have decided to take this moment in the spotlight to cash in on your connection to The Don, more power to you. After all, why should he be the only one benefiting from and cashing in on his exploits!Go Melania, for not going with The Don to Davos after hearing about yet another storm with another woman who this time happens to be named Stormy. And right after you gave birth to Barron? Sorry Melania. So sad. 

    Just one question: what are you doing with all that murderous rage? You worry me. I hope Chief of Staff Kelly or Kellyanne have removed all the sharp objects from reach. Frankly, if the urge becomes uncontrollable, I might warm up with Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council or Frank Graham, who believes The Don can do no wrong. Tony, in a clever golf analogy, gives The Don a “mulligan” for all his past transgressions; Frank believes The Don is going through a “spiritual” maturation. Aren’t those guys reassuring, want to make you go to church every day.? Boy family values and morality (think: Roy Moore) sure have gone through quite a spiritual maturation of their own.

    So would it be so surprising, that after hearing about Stormy’s bare-all performance at the Trophy Club, that The Don demanded that Kellyanne make tracks and set up a closed circuit channel for him so he could watch? He told her: if I can’t be in Mar-a-lago partying with my zillionaire friends, then I want to see what’s going on at The Trophy Club; so get your skinny ass down to Greenville and set that up. Take Air Force One if you have to!

    So when Chief of Staff John Kelly tried to get The Don to get more involved in what was happening on the floor of the U.S Senate he peeked in to the TV room and saw that The Don had on three screens: Fox News, The Gorilla Channel* and “Live From the Trophy Room: It’s Make America Horny Again with your host: Stormy Daniels”. Luckily Melania was fast asleep and has no interest in visiting The Don. But then again…

    OMFG TRUMP - Melania Kills Don


    *The Don’s insistence that there be a Gorilla Channel, where there was gorilla-on-gorilla violence, on his TV 24-7, turned out to be a hoax, but just seemed too hard to resist!

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