Ain’t Too Pretty

There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that is pretty about The Don. The furled lip of equal measure pout and fury that he imagines signifies gravitas nauseates. The way he thrusts out his chest like some thug bouncer at your local dive bar. His clown like orange hair and his lack of intelligence inspired comedian Bill Maher to joke that he was the product of a human and an orangutan and offered The Don five million dollars to provide his birth certificate to prove otherwise. This was Maher’s taunt and retort to The Don’s despicable and demeaning “Birther” movement.

And believe it or not, The Don had his lawyer provide proof that his birth was the result of two humans doing the nasty and then asked Maher for his five million dollars. Maher was incredulous that he received a response as it indicated that The Don didn’t realize that humans and primates couldn’t produce children. Could be true, but most likely he just wanted the money. A man who would do anything for a dollar or a man so lacking in basic knowledge -take your pick-but we lose either way, and it ain’t pretty!

The Don doesn’t use the word pretty that often, but he is a total fan of the word beautiful. In fact, he has used the word at least 1,500 times on Twitter and in speeches since he began running for office. What follows is a short but beautiful list of his use of the word beautiful:

A beautiful speaker system, the beautiful people of Cuba, beautiful red electoral maps, farming as beautiful, the nice, beautiful clean water, a big beautiful door on the big beautiful wall, beautiful piece of chocolate cake, beautiful healthcare bill, beautiful military equipment, beautiful safe zones in Syria, a temperament that is totally controlled , so beautiful, beautiful clean coal, beautiful phones in the White House.

The world, and everything in it, is such a beautiful place until The Don doesn’t like what’s going on, and then it gets ugly very, very, very, fast and it ain’t pretty. Case in point: the man who loves, loves, loves women had these pretty things to say about them:

“Blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her…everywhere.”

“Disgusting both inside and out.” He’d look her right in that fat, ugly face of hers and say “Rosie, you’re fired.” (Rosie O’Donnell)

“If Hillary can not satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America. (I’m the only one who could fuck America the way it needs to be fucked!)

“Look at that face. Would anybody vote for that?” (Carly Fiorina)

“Yeah, she’s really something, and what a beauty that one. If I weren’t happily married and ya know, her father…(About his own daughter Ivanka)

On the Apprentice regarding a contestant: “It must be a pretty picture, you dropping to your knees.”

“He called me Ms. Piggy and an eating machine.” (Former Ms. Universe ?)

So when John McCain, during his speech at the National Constitution Center attacked The Don and his cronies for “abandoning our ideals we have advanced around the globe…for the sake of some half-baked spurious nationalism cooked up by people who would rather find scapegoats than solve problems is as unpatriotic as any attachment to any other dogma of the past that Americans consigned to the ash heap of history.

Before we get to The Don’s response, let me say loud and clear that was a beautiful thing to hear. At first, The Don wasn’t sure what McCain said as there were so many words he did not understand. Let’s see: spurious, dogma, consigned and what the fuck is an “ash heap of history”? And I forgot to mention “ideals,” a word he may know the meaning of but lacks.

When he finally he responded The Don said this:

“I heard him. And people have to be careful because at some point I fight back. I’m being very nice, very, very nice. But at some point I fight back and it won’t be pretty.”

And it won’t be pretty. No, it will be very ugly, indeed. Just like it was ugly when he made all those comments about women. Just like it was ugly when he mocked a disabled reporter. Just like it was ugly when The Don said that McCain was not a war hero because he was captured.

I can only imagine The Don ranting and raving in the oval office, needing tranquilizers like a rabid animal, to not respond to McCain. Here’s what I think some of his behind closed doors outbursts might be:

“Too bad we didn’t just leave him in Vietnam. He knew what he was signing up for!”

“You are such a loser you got beat by that black guy. So sad, so sad.”

“Your wife is a looker. How much did you have to pay her to marry you? If I spent one night with her she would finally know what it is like to be with a real man.”

“So sad, really very sad that you are going to die soon and soon you will be part of the ‘ash heap of history.'”

“And by the way, captured John, I have been told I have the most beautiful bone spurs. ”

The Don’s bone spurs! Now that ain’t pretty!