Sponge Bob Goes To Washington

If you were to tell a three year old that one sponge had more water in it than another, and then ask which one would create more water when squeezed, they would laugh at you and say: the one with more water in it, silly.

Then you would have them squeeze the sponges as hard as they could in to two different bowls so they could see with their own eyes, which bowl, had more water. That little exercise is called science. You have a hypothesis, then you test it out and then you prove something that is always true.

Of course, there might be a few outliers, who despite what they see, will doubt there is any difference-those naysayers would be called the President of the United States and most republican lawmakers.


I’ve already made the case (see my piece “Pigs Are Smarter Than You Think”) that pigs are as smart as three year olds, so if we could translate their oinks, they would say: the sponge with more water, silly.

If I were trying to explain one of the frightening impacts of Climate Change to three year olds, the sponge experiment would be a simple way to do it.

It works like this: Because of excessive release of Carbon Dioxide in to the atmosphere from human activity, the earth’s surface temperature has been climbing over the past 40 years. Air acts like a sponge for moisture and warmer air can hold much more moisture than cooler air. Also, warmer ocean temperatures and rising sea levels produce more evaporation; in other words, there is more water available for the warmer air to absorb. So, like in our experiment with the three year olds, when the warmer, moister air releases its water, there is a lot more water released.

Now if we are talking sponge bath, that’s good; but if we are talking about hurricanes, not so good. Speaking of sponge baths, maybe we should get Sponge-Bob Squarepants to meet with the president and Scott Pruitt to explain the “sponge theory” to him.

Irma and Harvey weren’t caused by climate change (hurricanes have been with us forever), but they almost certainly would not have been so powerful if the air and the seas fueling them hadn’t been so warm.

So why is the president and so many republican cronies denying this?

  1. They are not as smart as three year olds?
  2. They like huge, bigly rain storms?
  3. They are not as smart as pigs?
  4. They are morally bankrupt people who are in the pockets of the oil companies?
  5. They fear any admission that climate change is real will lead people like the Koch brothers to look for other candidates to support.
  6. They are cold and callous people that could not care less about the future of their children and grandchildren-they are part of the family valueless movement?
  7. They think that science is stupid and a plot to undermine their Christian beliefs? After all, to many, the theory of evolution is the result of a blasphemous imagination.
  8. They choose party allegiance over truth because they do not want to get kicked off the team?
  9. They are not as smart as three year olds? (Oops, I wrote that already in number 1. However, if I was an adherent to climate change denial, I could say that I did not already write that)
  10. Scott Pruitt, the Dark Night of the EPA , feels that people talking about Climate Change during two of the most destructive hurricanes in our history is just so “insensitive.” Oh Scott, I did not realize you were such a touchy-feely kind-a-guy.. Tell that to the people of Texas and Florida. (See my piece called “Drill, Baby Drill” for more on his stellar qualifications to head E.P.A.)
  11. Governor of Florida, Rick Scott, is convinced that the words Climate Change are dirty words. And lord knows we must abstain from saying dirty words.

Screen Shot 2017-09-18 at 8.18.38 PM.png

When Scott became governor in 2011 he ordered the Department of Environmental Protection in Florida to avoid use of the word climate change or global warming in any communication. Sustainability is a no-no as well. Mentioning them could lead to government employees having their mouths washed out with soap.

Imagine Lenny Bruce or George Carlin doing their stand-up. “So this shit-head, fuck face, cock-sucker. Okay, I’ll say it, but it could get me arrested: Climate Change. Climate Change. Climate Change. Sustainability! Ok I said it…Oh no, come on police officer. I know I am not allowed to say it…Jail. Fuck that shit!

To avoid controversy, from this point on the words Climate Change will be notated as  C*** C*** word.

As for The Don, what his administration has done to this date regarding  C*** C*** is reprehensible.

One of his first acts as president was having Pruitt end the Obama administration Clean Power Plan aimed at reducing carbon dioxide emissions from coal –fired power plants and also rolled back rules reducing the venting from natural gas wells of methane, another powerful greenhouse gas.

He took us out of the Paris Accord. Only two other countries, Syria and Nicaragua are not part of it.

Like a pig in shit, Pruitt has happily initiated a public purge of scientists whose research and conclusions about the human contribution to C***C*** do not support the administrations agenda. Most notably, he is replacing dozens of members of the E.P.A.’s scientific advisory board and replaced them with people who know nothing about science and everything about deregulation.

Pruitt dissolved the 15 member National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, which guiding businesses, the government and the public on policy making related to climate assessment. The administration is also planning on cutting $250 million from the agency, which helps communities prepare for rising seas and worsening storms. That would translate in to: Hey, buddy, I would not build a restaurant there unless you want people to eat in wet suits.

Sponge Bob is particular peeved about this as the increased water temperatures and ocean surges during storms is creating havoc for him and his friends. Any more chaos and he will have to move his show on to land, which of course, would be his last show! But he will go out with a bang while sucking for oxygen, urging the children of the world to impeach The Don.

OMFG TRUMP - Spongebob protestors

The Department of energy, run by Rick Perry, the man who did not understand what his job was when he accepted it, and whose no-nothing nature makes him a perfect employee in The Don’s administration, has scratched use of the words clean energy and new energy from it websites. More dirty words!

John Konkus, a former campaign assistant to The Don, now at the E.P.A, aims to eliminate the C***C*** from the agencies research grant solicitations.

Mike Mulvaney, The Don’s budget director, is also like a pig in shit, as he gets to weigh in on all the “crazy things the Obama administration did to study C***C*** and said: Do a lot of the E.P.A. reductions aim at reducing the focus on C***C***? ‘You can bet your sweet bippy they do.“ (Actually all he said was “yes.”)

And last but most insidious, we have Scott Pruitt’s version of color war, the camp ritual where campers are placed on two teams and compete against each other. Pruitt is creating a Red team of dissenting scientists to challenge the findings of 1000’s of scientists whose research has supported C***C***.

This amounts to an alternative facts campaign with the purpose of getting contradictory information out to the public to sow confusion and obfuscate the truth. I hear Mike Flynn, Jr. will be heading up the team, as his stellar qualifications include promulgating a conspiracy theory that Hillary Clinton was involved in human trafficking, running a child sex ring. in out of a D.C. pizza shop. He also has an impressive resume that includes a degree in Golf Management. He has great connections with Breitbart News and the Russians, who will be happy to activate their bots and Gopher 2 to spread lies challenging the reality of C***C***

All I can say is: we need you Spongebob!


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