I Am Great, Right?

So here we are, some two hundred days in to the most incompetent, inhumane and deceitful presidency in the history of our country. What has the great un-Wizard of Don accomplished? From a legislative perspective not much, but…

1. He has made himself in to the laughing stock of the world and by doing so has devalued our country’s status. Leaders from all around the world mock him on a daily basis.
2. He is embroiled in an investigation of his campaigns collusion with Russia. His most recent comment, that he wanted to thank Putie for letting go of 40% of our diplomatic staff in Russia, because it would save the country money, is one of the most ludicrous things he has said yet. It suggests he is so deep in Putie’s pocket (now that’s titillating), so stupid (but we know that already) or genuinely has loose synaptic connections in his already compromised brain. Rumor has it that North Korea president Kim-Jong-un laughed so hard when he heard that comment that they heard him in Guam.
3. He has taken us out of the Paris Climate Accord making us, Syria and Nicaragua the only three nations in the world to opt out. Even North Korea has signed on and their climate is controlled by Kim-Jong-un.
4. He has ranted and raved about winning the popular vote because of voter fraud and created a nefarious commission to prove that millions of people voted illegally. He is supporting a justice department that is attacking policy that supports voter rights. New to the list is trying to get people off the voter rolls (read: people, as minorities) that haven’t voted in recent elections. I thought you had the freedom to choose to vote or not vote? That’s like saying that someone who has been a vegetarian for 10 years is no longer allowed to eat meat if they decide to exercise their God given right to return to the world of omnivores. Hey get your grubby paws off that burger!
5. His attempts to ban Muslims and his immigration policy in general is abhorrent and frankly, un- American. Mr. Kahn had it right when he said the man has no empathy and no idea what is written in the constitution because he has never read it. That’s because it has no pictures, bullet points and contains 4,543 words, which is about 4, 250 more than he can handle. Also, it has all those signatures and he is furious that one of them isn’t his.
6. His gaffes, exposing his ignorance of history, are well, for the history books. He referred to Frederick Douglas as if he were still alive; he suggested Harriet Tubman be placed on the defunct $2 bill (Is that a form of Jim Crow?) and that Andrew Jackson, one of The Don’s favorite presidents, could have stopped the Civil War, which would have been a real boom for African Americans. And the gaffs will keep coming.
7. He has supported Repeal and Replace of Obamacare even though it would deprive millions of people healthcare and despite the fact that he has no idea what is in the plan. He is like a cheerleader on the sideline that just wants his team to win and is jumping up clapping his hands screaming: “Let’s go Congress, let’s go. Repeal, Replace, Put Obama in his place. Let’s go Congress, let’s go. Repeal, Replace.”
8. He has supported an assault on Planned Parenthood and women’s health in general. The only one that is allowed to be interested in women’s gynecological health is he!
9. He appointed Paul Manafort as his campaign chairman, which is going to come back and bite him in the ass as Robert Mueller is going to squeeze him like a zit on a teenager’s forehead.
10. And perhaps the accomplishments he is most tickled by are his attempt to undo everything Obama ever did. The man is just so infantile, motivated by revenge and still smarting from Obama’s takedown of him during the Washington Correspondents Dinner in 2011. And now, in a total renunciation of Obama, The Black, he has made a full throated endorsement of White Supremacists, announcing that he is starring in a new reality TV show called “Dancing with Neo-Nazis.”

But despite these great accomplishments there is some fraying of the edges, some doubt is creepin  in. Great Narcissist’s need constant adulation and despite his insistence that everything is great; that he has accomplished more than any other president for the amount of time he was been in office; that the White House runs like a well-oiled machine and that the Russia investigation is a hoax, an attempt by the liberal media and the deep state to derail him from achieving great things, insiders talk of his outbursts and foul moods.

In an attempt to stabilize himself, he projects all and any unpleasant experiences, that make him feel small or disappoint him, on to others. Witness his incessant attacks on Mitch McConnell (couldn’t happen to a nicer guy!), Jeff Sessions and even his generals for somehow not winning in Afghanistan.

He is like a colicky infant who needs to be soothed and his minions are desperately looking for ways to add a little sunshine to the darkening clouds enveloping him.

As you may or may not know, The Don doesn’t read his intelligence briefings, so his staff had to create: Intelligence Briefings for Dummies, the Abridged Edition.

Filled with killer graphics, it has short punchy paragraphs like: “North Korea has missiles pointed at South Korea.” Most importantly, The Don’s name has to appear in every paragraph. Rumor has it that mentioning him once is not always enough to sustain his attention so every 3^rd paragraph it just says: “Donald Trump is the president. Donald Trump is the president.”

But what The Don does love is what his staff calls the Propaganda document that he sees at 9:30 and 4:30 each day. This includes clips of people praising him, screenshots of positive cable news chyrons, admiring tweets, transcripts of fawning TV interviews and Trump looking all powerful on TV so he can have gravitas like Putie or his new best frenemy Kim-Jong-un. Recently he had a tantrum because there were no videos of military marches in his honor.

There are so many staffers watching news clips and compiling the report, which explains The Don’s excitement of Russia’s expulsion of our diplomats as he needed money to pay them all.

So what else is in this feel good Propaganda Report?

Just yesterday so many Mexicans were deported that the president of Mexico is willing to talk about building a wall to keep them out.

Your D.C. hotel has full occupancy and is booked for the next eight years.

Your presidency has created more jobs in 6 months than Obama did in eight years.

Then there is an entire page devoted to a list all of Obama’s accomplishments and a big fat X across those The Don has done away with. This one makes him squeal!

Then there is the daily dick sucking from Sean Hannity, Breitbart and Rush Limbaugh that definitely creates a rise.

The day after The Don took off the gloves at the press conference, where he liberated himself from any attempt at decency and declared he was no longer the president of the United States of America but the president of White America, he was all pumped up.

The next morning was special as the prop doc was brought in by no other than Steve Bannon. Kowing he was leaving, he prefaced the presentation by stating: Mr President, “I have spent years dreaming that someone like you would become our president and all I can say is that in your most recent triumph, you have exceeded my wildest dreams!”

Then the president read:

Susan Blo, the mother of Heather Heyer, tragically killed, said such beautiful things about you. She said you needn’t disrupt your vacation to come to Charlottesville to honor her daughter.

There are so many people signed up to play golf at your golf course in Charlottesville that the next available tee time is in 2018.

More people purchased wine from your Virginia winery than any vineyard in France.

Ivanka still loves you, but she did say “Oh, daddy, sometimes you can be so silly.” In solidarity with you, she and Jared are leaving their temple because the Rabbi doesn’t like you.

Then the staff and The Don formed a huddle, put their hands in to a circle and like a high school football team before the game, thrust them in the air and blurt out:

“Heil, we mean hail, to the chief. Let’s give it up for the greatest President of White America, ever!