If you recall, I went dark two weeks ago in pursuit of intel hoping to provide damning evidence to the special prosecutor, Robert Mueller. Unfortunately, the mission was a dud.
When I got to the airport I was taken aside by a secret service agent and some Russian guy who went by Kyslyak (umm?) They informed me that my trip to Moscow would end badly and name dropped, Vladimir Kara-Murza, (he was poisoned not once, but twice!) They claimed that during the hacking of the election, they unearthed proof that my Belarusian grandfather, who had immigrated to the U.S. more than 100 years ago, had absconded with a secret recipe for Golutsby and that Jared Kushner was pissed. last The Food Channel was demanding “proof of authenticity” for the recipe before signing on for Jared’s cooking show: Delicacies of the Gulag . (See my last piece Despicable You.)
They pressed me hard for the whereabouts of my grandfather. The interrogation got nasty, particularly when I insisted that he had been dead for 40 years.
“Prove it,” they said, ratcheting up the heat, while shining iphone flashlights in my eyes. Luckily for me, in addition to my passport, I always travel with my relatives’ death- certificates, as you never know when they might come in handy.
They reluctantly accepted the death certificate, but let me know I was getting off easy, that if they weren’t so busy running around trying to prevent leaks, they would have made me dig up the body; for now they would accept that the recipe had died with Schmul, let him rest in peace.
They told me to put my clothes back on (Sorry, I left out some of the salacious, golden details, as I do have some pride) and traded me 2 tickets to Greece in exchange for the ones I had for Moscow. When I showed some consternation that I was flying on Emirates airlines, they assured me that The Emirates was not on the Muslim ban list or thought of as a Petrie dish of terrorism like Qatar. It was more like Saudi Arabia, a beacon of freedom and ally in our fight against the bad guys. The only caveat attached to my trip to Greece was signing a gag order refraining me from making any statements about the recipe. I had no choice but to take them up on their offer.
With the purpose of my mission derailed what was I to do?
It was when I was visiting the Acropolis, staring up in awe at the Parthenon, reflecting on the fact that this 5th Century B.C. structure was the ‘birthplace” of modern democracy, that it dawned on me that it would be intriguing to imagine The Don by my side After all, his knowledge of history is the stuff of legend.
“I don’t get it,” The Don said. “Why would someone build this? After seeing this place I can see why Greece is a failing country. This Acroposhit place makes our countries inner cities look like Mara-a-lago. Bet you can get this land on the cheap given how pathetic the euro is doing. Think I will give the guy who runs this country a call and see if he will let me tear it down and build two Trump Towers.”
“But isn’t it exciting to be sitting in the place where modern democracy was born? Aristophane and Sophocles were writing the famous Greek tragedies then. Can you imagine it? Socrates and Plato in dialogue? A place where free exchange of ideas and discourse was encouraged?”
“What did you say? The rumors are not true: Melania and I are not getting a divorce?”
“I didn’t say divorce, I said discourse.”
“Well I don’t do discourse. How the hell did they survive without Twitter back then? If that Sockman and Playdough were part of the beginning of democracy, they ain’t my people. As far as I am concerned democracy just gets in the way of me doing what I want. This shit never happened when I was in business. That’s what’s wrong with this country. Look what is going on with my Muslim ban! Another court blocked it. And just the other day the Senate had the nerve to overrule my attempt to undo Russian sanctions!
“Frankly, I like this Pericles guy. Doesn’t his name mean “surrounded by glory?” He was supposed to be an extraordinary man? As I said before, I have no idea why anyone would waste all his time building this rubble, but extraordinary, I can live with that! Ha, maybe he was the Trump of his time!”
“True, he was extraordinary, but some considered him a megalomaniac who plundered the treasury of Athens to build the Acropolis; it has been called the largest embezzlement in history.”
“Knew I like that guy. Just did what he wanted. Bet he didn’t have to deal with stupid things like the Emoluments clause?”…So where are the ladies?”
“What?”
“The Ladies. I was promised there would be 6 ladies waiting for me here on a porch.”
“Oh you mean the Caryatid Porch.”
“But that’s a statue. What the hell am I going to do with statues? Liars, they promised me ladies! And speaking of liars did you see that loony Comey calling me a liar. First of all, I didn’t lie. I never lie. And even if I did, I am the president and when the president lies its not a lie. And so what if I said “I hope you can find a way to deal with this,” whoever got convicted of anything for hoping?”
“Oh what was I talking about?”
“The ladies.”
“Yeah, they lied about the ladies. And now you are telling me these aren’t even the original ones? That 5 of the 6 originals are preserved in the Acropolis Museum? Well, I don’t do museums. As you know I am all about the moment, the now. History was yesterday. I think Herodotus wasted his time.”
“You know who Herodotus was?”
Yeah, Bannon told me about him. He is a real history guy. Very annoying, but he told me to say hello to Herodotus. Funny guy, that Bannon. Also, don’t get the wrong idea here. I know some stuff, too. I have a very high I.Q. and can’t wait to go head to head with the mayor of London, that Kahn guy. Where have I heard the name Kahn before? Anyway, what kind of town is London that they put a man named Kahn in charge? Glad I am not going there!
“What else did Bannon tell you about?”
“He told me that of all the Greek Gods I was most like Zeus. That he was the supreme God, ruler of Mt. Olympus, a real ladies man.” They built monuments to him.
“Yes, he was powerful and known for his roving eye and pursuit of beautiful women.”
“And I bet he was respected for his prowess and could probably grab someone’s pussy whenever he wanted without it becoming a national crisis. I think Zeus would have been pretty pissed off if he traveled a long distance expected 6 ladies only to find out they weren’t real.
Bannie also mentioned the great face off between Athenian and Poseidon. Totally ridiculous! I have seen the Little Mermaid. (Hated it, but Ivanka said she wouldn’t talk to me ever again if I didn’t watch it with her.)
But Poseidon is awesome. No one messes with him and there is no way that Athena beats him in a contest. No way her producing a silly olive tree trumps Poseidon’s bubbling water. Thing was rigged. Stupid judges. Totally unfair! Total witch-hunt! A Fix!”
“Wow, look at that over there. Is that some kind of theater.”
“Yeah, really amazing isn’t it? It is called the Theater of Dionysus. It was built in the 4th Century. Sophocle’s famous Oedipus Rex was performed there.
“That’s the one where the son has sex with his mother?”
“Yep.”
“Gross, I prefer the Electra thing.”
“Who are u calling?”
“Calling Reince to ask him to book this place for me for a rally.
“But who will come? Don’t think the Greeks are fans of of yours?”
“We will fly in 10,000 of my most devoted uneducated and just charge it to the country. Can you imagine the media coverage? Live from Greece: Trump at The Theater of Dionysus. I’ll come out dressed as Zeus.”
“Well if you are going to do that maybe you should book the theater in Epidauros in the Peloponnese, as it is the most well preserved theater of all, with the best acoustics.”
“This is so exciting. Think I am going to divert the funds for the border wall in to building ampitheaters around the country. Maybe I can even get the Greeks to pay for it! It will be like old times during the heady jubilant days of the campaign. You know, before I had to be president. When it was fun. Before the Russian thing! That witch hunt!
I think we have had enough history for today, Mr. President. You need to get back home to greet Melania and Barron who are finally moving in. Make sure your lawyers have lawyers. Fire Bob Meuller and Rod Rosenstein. Fire that twerp Jeff Sessions. As for me, I am heading off to a few Greek islands for some R &R. I need to recharge my battery because when I return the resistance must continue and hopefully the spirit of democracy, which began right here, will allow justice to prevail.
OMFG TRUMP - Tales From the Other Side 