Despicable You

Oh Jared, Jared, Jared! Isn’t it insulting that people think that you must be either totally naive or absolutely bat shit crazy to propose using a secret Russian server for back channel communications with Russia? That you wouldn’t know that all your conversations with these Putin puppets would be listened to by U.S. intelligence? That somehow your conversation with Russian banker Sergey Gorkov, the chairman of the state owned Vnesheconombank  was innocent and not about securing a favorable financial arrangement to help you with your 666 property that China bailed on? What’s all the fuss? It is all conspiracy theory and fake news- an attempt to discredit you and your papa-in-law. If they really listened they would see that all you were doing was just pitching your own Russian cooking show to the Food Channel and ensuring you could keep top -secret recipes for Chicken Kiev, bliny and your favorite, Golubtsy (cabbage leaves wrapped in a variety of fillings, maybe even secret intel?) all to yourself.

They also would realize that you were killing two birds with one Coulibiac and this crazy thing you did was also just an audition for the hit show The Americans, your favorite guiltless pleasure. The producers of the show are worried about ratings as the real and more intriguing show at the White House is usurping it; so you reached out to them to see if they would introduce you as a new character for the next season.

But really Jared if you are crazy, it is like a fox and for some to think you are naïve, is well naïve! Even Russian Ambassador Kyslyak was taken back by your proposal and he is your adversary! Rumor has it that Putin’s jaw dropped when he was informed.

Actually the more likely explanation is that maybe you are just as grandiose and nefarious as your Papa-in Law. Maybe you too think you could shoot someone on 5^th avenue and nothing would happen to you?

Why do you think The Don approved of your marriage to princess Ivanka? After all, The Don’s narcissism would demand that only someone like him would be allowed to marry her. Maybe you are just The Don without the bombast. Maybe when you kill people on 5^th avenue you use a silencer instead of a shot- gun. Maybe underneath all that boyish, ivy -league charm you are a self-centered brat who has gotten whatever he has wanted while fucking over as many people as necessary to do it. Papa-in law would be proud!

You have had every advantage. Your daddy got you into Harvard by donating two and half million dollars. And he was the perfect role model. He was imprisoned for illegal campaign contributions, tax evasion and witness tampering, 18 felony charges in total. The tampering charge was particularly juicy as he hired a prostitute to seduce his sister’s husband, William Schulder, and arranged to record an encounter to get the goods on him, because he was cooperating with federal investigators against him. Now that’s a man with family values! And what makes the entire episode more delicious is that when he was Attorney General of New Jersey, before he was known as the Governor of Bridgegate, Chris Christie prosecuted him. And when you were invited in to The Don’s inner circle, Christie, who was one of The Don’s staunch supporters and probably in line for a position of importance in the administration, was given his walking papers, never again to be seen in The White House.

 And then there are all the potential violations of the emoluments clause. Despite your claims to the contrary, you still remain the beneficiary of your real estate and investment businesses, which depends on foreign investments from undisclosed sources. (Could one of those sources be Russia?)

Most recently you failed to disclose your multi-million dollar art collection as part of required financial disclosures.

And then there are your sister’s shenanigans in China (which of course you have nothing to do with!) to get investors to put up $500,000 for a real estate project you are developing in Jersey City in exchange for a golden visa, which creates a pathway to citizenship in The U.S.

All we have to do is look at your recent landlord activity with some of your low-income housing, where your company JK2 Westminster, shamelessly pursues tenants for the smallest infractions and sues even when the individuals seem to have been in the right. Currently, JK2 Westminster has 548 lawsuits on the books in Maryland. The Don, who just loves, loves, loves, suing people must be very proud. Did you put the number of lawsuits you have going on in your resume when you asked for Ivanka’s hand?

So really Jared, can a man who has been involved in all this be considered naive? Crazy? How about calculating, unethical and mean spirited and entitled with a belief  that he can do what he wants because he has always done and gotten what he wants? So how does it all end. Who knows? Maybe there is nothing there; maybe it is all about the Borscht recipe. Or maybe like in a Shakespearean scenario Chris Christie, the man who you banished from the kingdom, that put your papa in jail, will return and prosecute you as well. Put that in your Golutsby!”