No chronicler of The Don’s “Administration of Dunces” could claim any gravitas without weighing in on his first 100 days, so here goes.
The first thing you need to know about the first hundred days is that according to The Don they don’t matter; it is just an arbitrary kind of thing without much value…the next thing you need to know is that they matter so bigly that he has “accomplished more in his first 100 days than any president ever!”
As I write, Jared Kushner, the doer of all things, will be issuing a new executive order every minute or so, which is how long it takes to write one sentence and the word done! Case in point, the recently released tax bill, which I heard was originally written on a square of toilet paper, but copied to White House stationary at the last minute because the odious stench of lining the pockets of the rich had staffers gagging.
The Don’s first hundred days have been so dizzying it has created the woozy feeling one gets after riding on some nauseating, gyrating amusement park ride. It has been filled with such flip flopping, chaos, misdirection, and red herrings, it’s like watching a dolphin that has lost its sonar. The populist is no longer and the great dealmaker has proven to be a two- bit player. His capacity for lying is so pathological that if he were Pinocchio his nose would be on perpetual boner mode. His lack of knowledge about almost everything and his lack of curiosity and desire to learn (oops, I need to amend that, as he did learn the entire history of the Chinese-Korean relationship in 10 minutes) is mind- boggling.
So what really were The Don’s accomplishments?
He learned that running the country is harder than he thought and had no idea it could be more challenging than running his real estate business. Frankly, the absurdity of this statement makes anything that follows pale by comparison but the show must go on.
He learned that health care was complicated. (Oops, there goes that learning thing again!) Though he failed at repeal and replace he managed to snare victory from the jaws of defeat by claiming that this was his intention, because now the country could watch Obamacare implode and the democrats would own the failure. This sounds like someone really interested in people having health care, doesn’t it!
He learned that there is a judicial system that protects civil rights in this country. Well, he was taught that lesson, but didn’t really process it as he continues to tantrum like a two year old because they won’t do what he wants.
He has realized that Melania doesn’t want to be with him in the White House, so he has brought Ivanka in as understudy. (I’ll leave the rest to your imagination!)
Of great significance was his decision to change the toilet paper from Cottonelle to Charmin because when he wipes his ass he wants to be reminded about how charmin(g) he is.
He has sent the U.S Senate on a bus ride to nowhere where they had to listen to a tour guide (who was on mandated leave from Disney World) make corny jokes while describing the sites of D.C., all the while promising they would be getting important intel on North Korea.
He deregulated a number of important environmental regulations that will let oil barons drill more, make more money and wreak havoc on an already fragile ecosystem, ultimately impacting the safety and well being of generations to come.
An inside source has revealed that now that he is not building his wall (which Mexico was definitely not paying for) he is insisting the work begin on his bust for Mt. Rushmore. The architects of the plan are still struggling with how to represent the hair, which will be so bigly it will cover the other presidents.
The great germaphobe that he is, The Don has placed Purrell dispensers strategically throughout the west wing in such way that he is never more than a few steps from being able to clean his tiny hands.
The Don has also broken the record for flip- flopping and false promises:
China a currency manipulator-not!
Against one China policy-not!
Health coverage for all Americans-not!
Bring back coal mining jobs-not!
Draining the Swamp-Ha!
Not involved in his businesses-Ha! Ha! Ha!
Cares about the “uneducated” masses that put him in office- sad, so sad! (And when will those people who drank his Kool-Aide wake up!)
Make America Great Again-Not really, Mr. President. More like make America a total embarrassment to the rest of the world!
The list could go on and on. Also included in The Don’s finest moments and accomplishments is breaking the Guinness Book of World Records for using the phrase very, very, very in a sentence. And his greatest accomplishment of all is using the word great more than anyone, ever! His use of great is so great that the beloved Tony the Tiger known for his “Frosted Flakes are Grrrreat!” has been moved in to a retirement facility by Kellogg’s, where he has become disoriented and depressed as a result of the greatest case of identity theft in American history!