When The Don started his search for secretary of state he looked to Rudy Guiliani, but bypassed him because he looked too much like a drooling pit bull to fit the part. Then central casting sent over Mitt Romney and boy did he look the part of a coiffed diplomat, but he too had a dog problem, as he had nefariously tied his dog Seamus to the top of his car on route to a family vacation. Not exactly a good visual for negotiating world peace! Then The Don looked at head- shots of Rex Tillerson and was smitten.
“That distinguished gray hair; he’s perfect!
“Don’t you want to meet him,” asked a member of his transition team?”
“Do I have to?”
“You know he was the head of Exxon and Putin gave him the medal of friendship?”
“This year I heard I am going to win that! But this Tillerson guy is for real?”
“Would I lie to you Mr. President?”
When the two finally met their conversation may have gone something like this:
The Don: “Can’t believe how much you look like a Secretary of State, Rex.”
Rex: “Thanks Mr. President, but I have a lot of international experience as well.”
“I heard, especially with Russia. You and Putin are good friends.” What was the ceremony like when you got your “Friend of Russia” award? I am a shoe-in for it this year.”
Rex: “Yes we go way back. Done some mighty big deals together. He just loves Exxon and Exxon just loves him. Exxon and Rosneft are a partnership made in heaven.”
The Don: “God, I just love your distinguished hair.”
Rex: “Got some mighty fine hair yourself, Mr. President.”
The Don: “Takes a lot of work to get it that way.”
Rex: “Bet it does, sir. But about the position of Secretary of State…”
The Don: “It’s yours.”
Rex: “But we have barely talked.”
The Don: “I’m not much for long talks. In my gut I know you are the guy.”
Rex: “I’m honored sir. So what are your expectations?”
The Don: “Let me see, I have a summary from Bannon.”
“First thing you should know is that we are cutting the state department budget by almost 40%. Diplomacy isn’t what its cracked up to be. You will have a skeleton staff. Mostly what we want is someone who looks the part for all the photo ops. Man, I love your hair.”
“We think you should model yourself on Supreme Court Justice, Clarence Thomas, who turned silence in to an art form.”
“There will no reporters flying with you on any of your diplomatic missions-well, maybe someone from Breitbart.”
“At your press conferences, which will be far and few between, you will act as if you are deaf and when it becomes necessary for you to throw a bone to the fake news people you will respond like the athlete who is interviewed after the game, who no matter what he is asked, says: ‘It’s a good ball club, doing it for the ball club, just trying to help the ball club.’ But in your case you will substitute the word administration for ball club.”
“When you get to China, make sure you check on the status of all my trademarks and licensing deals.”
Rex: “Any discussion of North Korea?”
The Don: “You can talk all you want but most likely we are going to have to put them in their place. Also, I want you to seal the deal for Jared and his family with Anbang Insurance Company on the 666 property in Manhattan. A devil of a deal, don’t you think?”
Rex: “What about the State Department’s position on human rights across the globe?”
The Don: “What about it?”
Rex: “Isn’t that part of the job?”
The Don: “Not really concerned about that. Other countries can do whatever they want. Women’s issues, gay rights, civil rights, any rights you can think of are off the table for the next 4 years.”
Rex: “Makes my job pretty easy then.”
The Don: “Sure does. And Bannie says that we share something in common besides all the money we are going to make.”
Rex: “What’s that sir?”
The Don: “We have both used aliases to promote things. I’ve been John Baton and John Miller in my own self-promotion and you have used the name Wayne Tracker when you were at Exxon to bring the truth about climate change.”
The Don and Rex (in unison): “That there is none! Ha!”
Rex: “And Scott Pruitt is such a brilliant choice for head of the EPA. I’m sure we will have a lot to talk about…And Mr. President, what about the Paris Climate Agreement?”
The Don: “I hate the French!”
Rex: “Got it!”
The Don: “And one more thing. Rather than going to the meeting with all the NATO leaders you will be meeting with Putin. NATO is just a bunch of takers, kind a like people on Medicaid in our country. And you know what is going to happen to them!”
Rex: “Very exciting Mr. President. Have been missing Vlad.”
The Don: “By the way Rex, how much unexplored land does Exxon have drilling rights to?”
Rex: “Over 63 million acres. Can’t believe the Obama administration blocked our project with those ridiculous sanctions after Crimea. Sir, do I have permission to speak of sanctions.”
The Don: “Those talks have been in the works for a while. Poor Flynny! You will just bring it to fruition. When you think of it Rex, your job as secretary of state is pretty much the same as it was at Exxon.”
Rex: “Indeed, Mr. President. Indeed! So glad my wife talked me in to interviewing for this job.”
OMFG TRUMP - Tales From the Other Side 