Trump: All I hear about is how I never do press conferences. First, let me correct you on that. I have done more press conferences than any other candidate. Remember how many rallies I did? Can you believe this? Look, already a hand up from Mr. Fake News CNN?
CNN: Well, just want to say that rallies are not exactly press conferences.
Trump: Can you believe this guy? I’m trying to be a good guy by coming out here and answering questions, and they are starting with me already. All I can say is wrong, wrong, wrong! Rallies are the greatest press conferences.
CNN: But during rallies no one gets to ask you any questions?
Trump: Is the guy dumb or what?
(Laughter from audience.)
Trump: As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, I am here to give the greatest press conference ever. I am standing here ready to go head-to-head with the enemy of the American people. That’s what great Presidents do. They defend the nation and force them to stand down! Where’s the gratitude?
CBS: Mr. President, did you just say that the press is the enemy of the American people?
Trump: You tell me. When someone lies, makes up things all the time–which as you know is what all you Fake News people do–then they are the enemy of the American people. The people want the truth. That’s why they should just listen to me, or if for some crazy reason I am not on TV speaking to them, then they should tune in to “Infowars” with Alex Jones. We are America’s truth tellers!
N.Y. Times: Speaking of the truth, Mr. President, are you telling the truth about your relationship with Russia?
Trump: I am trying to be such a nice guy here and the Failing Times, that’s my new name for it, the New York Failing Times, leader of Fake News, brings up the R word. We don’t use R words in this room. Not allowed! Next. Oh, look at that flailing hand from the Washington Post wanting to be acknowledged. He looks like a little boy in the classroom who wants the teacher to call on him. Let me give the guy a break, as he might go crying into the night if I don’t let him.
Washington Post: Mr. Pres…
Trump: See how nice I am being to him; let’s see if he can be nice to me.
Washington Post: I have a question about Mike Flynn.
Trump: Stop! There are no F words allowed. Actually, I am the only one who can use F words. And you are just F…ing Fake News! Look, everybody, can’t we all just get along? We could be such great friends if you just asked nice questions. How about someone asks me a nice question?
Trump: Oh there’s a friend. Yes, you with the Jewish hat and sideburns. So cute! You know I am all about the Jews. Did you see Bibi and me the other day? We had such a strong connection. It was so huge it was Biblical. So what’s your nice question, Mr Turx?
Jake Turx: I know you are a zayde, which is an affectionate name for a Jewish grandfather and have beautiful Jewish grandchildren and no one in my community thinks you are anti-Semitic, but could you address what the government is going to do about the uptick in anti-Semitism. There have been 48 bomb threats all across the country at Jewish Centers in the last couple of weeks.
Trump: Just stop! Totally not a fair a question–totally, totally not fair! I know where you are going with this. Now sit down! So, here’s the story folks: I am the least anti-Semitic person you have ever seen in your life…No. 2, racism, the least racist person. And 3, in case you haven’t figured it out with all the fake news around, the most honest person you have ever met. Just ask Alex Jones. Do you understand me?
Jake Turx: Mr. Pres…
Trump: Quiet, quiet, quiet! Listen, all of you. I blessed you with my presence, granting you this press conference, and all you do is ask unimportant meaningless questions. You are all just mean spirited people. This is why the media is the enemy. Now, will someone out there ask me a nice question, please?
Kyle Mazza: Mr. President, “Melania announced the reopening of the White House Visitors Office. And she does a lot of a great work for the country as well. Can you tell us a little bit about what the first lady Melania Trump does for the country?”
Trump: Now that’s what I call a nice question. Who are you with?
Kyle: UNF News.
Trump: I am going to start watching, alt-right? And to your question, Melania is going to do great things, don’t you worry. She will make us proud. First thing she is looking into is whitewashing the walls of the White House. They got pretty dirty after eight years. Then she has all kinds of projects planned. Many, many great projects, and she is going to do many, many great things.
Kyle: Any specifics?
Trump: Kyle, You know I won by a landslide in the Electoral College? And the popular vote will be mine too as soon as very important people, people who know things no one else knows, who are studying all this, looking into the truth about voter fraud very soon. And you know what Kyle: I like you and am going to let your organization break the news about the fraud. What do you think about that?
Kyle: That would be great Mr. President. But can you tell me a project Melania is going to work on?
Trump: Can you believe this kid–isn’t he the sweetest? Persistent. Is there something you would like Melania to work on Kyle?
Kyle: What an honor Mr. President. In fact, there is. I covered the event during the campaign when Melania spoke with such passion about a campaign to end cyber bullying. It’s become a real problem for kids in our country.
Trump: Kyle, I agree cyber bullying is a terrible thing. Computers can be nasty, and I’m just glad I only use Twitter. Anything else Kyle?
Kyle: Just wondering, how is Melania going to do all her work re-opening the Center if she doesn’t want to live in the White House with you?
Trump: And I thought you were a friend Kyle. Just exposed UFN as another fake news organization. Spicer, get his hashtag, as he is going on my Twitter enemy list! Next, the great Rupert Murdoch-owned New York Post.
N.Y. Post: Mr. President, millions of Americans want to know who does your hair? Can you share that with us?
Trump: Great question from people who love me. But this is top, top secret information. Even more secret than the morning intelligence briefings. And it certainly takes longer and needs more attention than the briefings, as it should, as those briefings are so boring even though they have been scaled down to a few words and a picture. So sorry I can’t divulge anything…. Hey, my buddies from the Christian Broadcasting Corporation.
CBN: Just want to tell you that the Evangelicals still love, love, love you and believe everything you say.
Trump: Tell them I love, love, love them back. Any questions?
CBN: Why do we need to ask questions? You could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and you would still be our adored leader.
Trump: Your loyalty and faith in me inspire me. Believe me, I will do great things just for you! You are whom I work for. Too bad we couldn’t have started the press conference like this; then I wouldn’t have had to waste my time with all of those Fake News losers and liars.