The Rapture of Me

Me and Bibi and are like bros, kibbutzniks. Not as solid as Putie and me, but pretty tight; and boy I am glad he is coming to town, as I need to get people off this Flynn thing. For the record, I want everyone to know that Flynn is a great guy and was a victim of illegal leaks by you know what: Fake News! But he is such a loser for getting caught! Reminds me of when called John McCain a loser for being captured during the campaign (oh do I miss the campaign.) Now that I am president it is so annoying because I just can’t say or do anything I want. What happened to the days when I could shoot someone on 5^th Avenue and the people would still love me?

Unlike Obama, who sold the Jews down the Dead Sea, I’ve got their back. Bibi just loves that I have a Jewish son-in-law who has totally embraced the Trump brand. He is now officially one of my henchmen, though I am a bit confused about how such a religious Jew and supporter of Israel can embrace Bannie, who is a card-carrying member of the white supremacist, Neo-Nazi movement. As they say, politics makes strange bedfellows.

My pick for ambassador to Israel has Bibi doing the Hurrah! I really loved it when our new ambassador, David Friedman, compared Jews who favor a two-state solution to Jews who collaborated with the Nazis. After all, purity is important!

I will protect Israel fiercely for the Evangelicals, and oh yeah, for the Jews too. I just love the Evangelicals almost as much as I love uneducated people. And if you happen to be in both categories, then my love for you is totally bigly!

So let’s talk rapture. Bannie read this part of the Bible to me as a bedtime story and wrote some points down. So here goes: The evangelicals, who I just love, love, love, believe the rapture is a conduit prepared by God to escape the coming global wrath called the ‘tribulation.’ They believe we are in the end of times–that the world is coming to an end and that you need to be in Jerusalem when it happens. A number of events can lead up to the rapture including my two favorites: a catastrophic environmental event like the Noah thing; or a War with the Muslims, where the Jews are victorious. That’s a funny one, as no way the Jews win that battle of civilizations–now Christians, that’s another story.

Honestly, this rapture thing sounds like fun.
Some think there will a celestial wedding, the union of the bride, the church (the true believers) and Jesus (the groom). And the wedding celebration will last seven days.
It’s like an orgy in the sky.
I wonder which wedding planner I should recommend? That person will owe me bigly. What publicity for her business. She could change her business cards to: ‘Divine Weddings, Ltd: I planned the celestial wedding for the rapture.’

Then there is something about the Anti-Christ, who must be the mirror image (oops I mean opposite) of me, who shows up and does some stuff. I can’t figure out exactly what this stuff is, but I think he is a real trickster and deceiver. Don’t you just hate people like that?

Some of you might be wondering what happens to the Jews, who are not brides of the church, and who play such an important role in fortifying the Holy Land and readying it for the rapture? The Jews get a chance to convert. Isn’t that cool? And what happens if they don’t want to convert? Sad! Total losers! Well, at least all those years defending their homeland and Jerusalem wasn’t in vain. Hey, being a conduit counts for something.

Now that I am president I will have Bibi over to the West Wing for a bagel and schmear and feel him out about all this. Conversion may not be something he is wild about, but as you know, I can be pretty persuasive. I hope he can convince his people to join us because as the President of our Christian Nation I will inspire this rapture with shock and awe! But if we can’t put a lid on this Flynn thing, I will have to go to plan B and persuade Bibi to let me build a Trump Tower in the West Bank.