Do It Three Ways

Let’s talk burgers, specifically Carl’s Jr, and Hardees, owned by billionaire Andy Puzder, “The Don’s” cabinet choice for the Secretary of Labor, who from now on will be referred to as “The Putz.” The man, whose job it would be to defend the workers of America, who said: “If employers are asked to do too much for their workers they may be replaced with machines. Machines are polite, they always upsell, never take a vacation, never show up late, there’s never slip and fall or an age, sex or race discrimination case.” There is so much to respond to but frankly I am too preoccupied with what a robot has to do to “upsell.”

What exactly is “The Putz” referring to when he says: “if the employer is asked to do too much?” Umm… Giving workers their mandatory breaks? Paying them for overtime? Giving them healthcare? Or how about just paying them fairly, which is why there are numerous lawsuits against him, which he has either settled for millions of dollars or are still pending? I don’t know the exact number of suits but I can guarantee “The Don’s” got him beat by a couple of thousand.

The “Putz” actually asks his employees to pay 10 cents/hour for the privilege of wearing the Hardees uniform! During slow times he asks workers to hang out in the parking lot so he doesn’t have to pay them. And then there are his thoughts about increasing the minimum wage. “How do you pay $15/hour for scooping ice cream? How good could you be at scooping ice cream?” How could you pay Republican lawmakers for scooping bullshit? How could you hire someone who wants to pretty much destroy the very agency he is hired to run? Is this a man we really want defending the workers of America?

“The Don,” the great swamp drainer, just loves his billionaires; but in “The Putz’s” case, there was an additional enticement that made “The Don” call on him for public service. It was his racy and graphic pornographic ads of women: a bacon lover’s fantasy, which portrays three models “doing a bacon 3-way burger.” After seeing that commercial “The Don” knew he had found his man. I imagine he thought: “Now that’s a burger I can really sink my teeth into!” Regarding his commercials, “The Putz” had this to say: “I used to hear that ads took on the personality of the C.E.O. and I rarely thought it true, but in this case it kind of did take on my personality.”

But ”The Don’s” favorite commercial was the one of Paris Hilton, dressed like a call girl, practically masturbating on a car. Her movements are so lewd that the car turned from black to red in embarrassment, and if you listened attentively you could hear the car whisper “not now honey millions of people are watching.” But it didn’t seem to deter Paris who kept gyrating until the car insisted “come on baby I’m not into it now, I have a headache.” Somewhere there is a burger in this commercial. I heard guys were so turned on by it that they ran to Carl’s Jr. but were disappointed when all they got was a burger. However, some lucky customers were given free cold showers or the grand prize of a golden shower.

“The Putz” came under fire for these commercials and actually had to remove one from the air because even the machines couldn’t concentrate: they were so turned on that they consulted their union representative to file a sexual harassment complaint. “The Putz’s response to his ads was simple: “I like beautiful women eating burgers in bikinis…it’s very American.”

“Now there is a guy that knows how to ‘Make America Great Again’,” remarked “The Don.” Threesomes for everyone. And bring the pickle, please.