Setting: Central casting for ISIS somewhere in a secret bunker in the Middle East.
Time: The morning after “The Don’s” Muslim Ban.
Scene: Three ISIS media producers lounging around sipping tea. Posters of “The Don” adorn the walls with slogans such as “In Trump We Trust” and “Make ISIS Great Again.” A cardboard cutout of Trump is displayed outside the entrance to the bunker. Trump’s index finger is pointing accompanied by the statement “ We Want You!” An Arabic version of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” is playing. The producers are singing and replaying the first line for the third time: “The End is near…” and laughter breaks out.
Mohammed: Allah is great!
Ahmed: Trump is great!
Aaban: Allah gave us Trump!
(Laughter breaks out as they raise their glasses to toast.)
Mohammed: This new recruitment video is going to be a game changer.
Ahmed: First Trump is in bed with Putin and now he is in bed with us.
Aaban: The man just fucks everything in his path!
Aaban: The orange-haired idiot hit the jackpot: He attacked Muslims, embraced Christians and forgot to mention the Jews during his statement about the Holocaust.
Mohammed: As much as I have issues with Jews, how do you not mention them in a remembrance of the Holocaust? And can you believe it, his daughter converted to Judaism when she married Kushner!
Aaban: Man, this guy is a living, breathing poster child for Jihad and our war against Christianity. If he keeps on denying the devastation of the Jews in the Holocaust maybe we’ll get some Jews to fight with us, as they will get sick and tired of being Christ’s lapdog!
Ahmed: Ha! A Jewish Jihadist! After all, the Christians slaughtered us both.
Mohammed: And some of the Jews already have beards so all they need to do is get rid of the yarmulkes and switch it for one of our head-pieces and they are ready to go!
Aaban: And we both believe in the need to circumcise, though I must say we would be wise to adopt their timing, as doing it when you are seven or older sucks, traumatizes you for life.
Mohammed: And no pork. But at least we get to eat shellfish.
Ahmed: Yeah, but they can drink wine!
Aaban: What do you say we get to work? To quote the great recruiter of ISIS:
(All three together): “This is so huge, it is bigly!
Ahmed: Let’s bring in the first actor.
(An elderly woman enters on a wheelchair holding an AK-47.)
Ahmed: What is going on here? We do not allow women to participate in recruitment videos. You need to leave now.
Woman: I have come a long distance to be part of this. I saw your ad on Facebook and thought Allah has brought this Trump to us, and this is our time for our great Muslim culture to rise up and ascend to our destiny.
Aaban: Very moving and compelling speech, but women are not allowed.
Woman: What’s more important, the woman thing or recruitment?
Aaban: Explain yourself.
Woman: All those men out there waiting to audition, that’s old hat. Imagine the impact of including an 85 year-old woman in a wheelchair with a machine gun saying: “Trump declares war on Islam, The Crusades are back! This Grandmother says: This is our time!”
Aaban: That is inspiring. What do you guys think?
Mohammed: Love it!
Ahmed: Between her and Trump as recruiting tools we will rise!
(All) Praise Allah!
(A mother and toddler walk in. The toddler is sucking on a bottle.)
Aaban: What is going on here?
Mohammed: No, no, no! Children are not allowed in here.
Aaban: Ma’am, you must leave immediately!
Mother: Hear me out. Remember what you are trying to accomplish here. The Grandmother is right. You need to expand your base.
(Turns to her son.)
Mother: Show him what you can do.
(The toddler flings his bottle, hitting Mohammed in the nose.)
(Laughing) What aim. A new secret weapon!
Mother: “Now that will get people motivated.”
Aaban: Sign him up. He will be an ISIS icon! Perfect antidote for “Big Baby Trump!”
Toddler: Allah is great!
(All): Allah is great!
Aaban: OK, now all we need to do is to take footage from YouTube of Trump where he talks about banning Muslims and mix it with this great new stuff!
Ahmed: We could do that, but I have a better idea. I want something more immediate and real.
Aaban: And what do you have in mind, my dear Ahmed?
Ahmed: “Bring him in.”
(Two guards enter with a blindfolded handcuffed man.)
Mohammed: What’s this?
Ahmed: Take off the blindfold.
Aaban: Praise Allah, it is Alec Baldwin! Mr. Baldwin, I just love your work. Ever since you starting playing Trump on “Saturday Night Live” we have not missed a show. We have been very disappointed that you haven’t been on the last few weeks.
Ahmed: Well, now you know why. We have been holding him captive and waiting for the right opportunity to smuggle him out of the U.S.
Aaban: How did you do it?
Ahmed: We put him in a box of American flags and had him shipped to England and then our operatives took it from there.
Baldwin: Assalamu Alaykum.
Aaban: Assalamu Alaykum.
Baldwin: Hey guys, you mind taking off the cuffs–they are killing me.
Mohammed: No problem, Mr. Baldwin.
Baldwin: This may sound silly under the circumstances, but am I at least getting paid Actor’s Equity minimum wage?
Ahmed: You are so funny. Even with a gun to his head he has a sense of humor.
(They all laugh.)
Ahmed: So let’s start the shooting.
Baldwin: Wait a minute, what’s with the shooting thing? I thought we were filming a promotional ad.
Mohammed: Always the jokester. Shooting with the camera, Mr. Baldwin.
Baldwin: OK, But I don’t have my makeup.
Mohammed: Don’t worry we have ISIS’ best make-up artist with us, and he has been practicing his Trump hair.
Baldwin: You guys are real professionals.
(The make-up artist starts working on him.)
Aaban: Look at him. He looks just like Trump! And here is the script, Mr. Baldwin.”
Mohammed: Take one!
Baldwin: Direct from ISIS Studios: It’s Jihad Live!