What My Daddy Taught Me

“Daddy.”

(Silence)

“Daddy.”

(Silence)

“Daddy.”

(Silence)

“Daddy. Do you hear me, Daddy?”

“Barron, you’re best when you are quiet. Daddy is president now and he is very busy watching and listening to himself on TV. Did you know that I am on TV all over the world, all the time, even in China? Everyone wants to know what Daddy’s doing. Aren’t you proud of me, Baron?”

“Daddy, can I have a hug?”

“You know I don’t hug. People have germs.”

(Tears) “You think I am dirty, Daddy?”

“Don’t feel so bad; Mommy is dirty too.”

“That’s mean Daddy.”

“Barron, you don’t have any idea what mean is. Why don’t you ask me about my new job?

“Do you like being President?”

“Like I told you, I am on TV all the time. I counted yesterday, and I was on screen for 12 hours, and that doesn’t include Russia where they have created a Trump Channel all of its own. They can’t get enough of me. It’s only my first week and I am being compared to George Washington.”

“Isn’t he the President who never told a lie?”

“Lesson number one, son: The truth gets you nowhere.”

“But that’s not what Mom says.”

“(Irritated) Mom is not from this country and she doesn’t know much.”

“That’s mean, Daddy.”

“Barron, you really don’t know what mean is. Why don’t you ask me more about what I do?”

“Ok, besides watching yourself on TV, yelling out ‘fake news’ and tweeting what else do you do?”

“I have this great big black pen and I sign things all day. It’s so much fun. People put papers in front of me and I sign them. It is a beautiful thing. I sign something and I change the world!”

OMFG TRUMP - Signing Orders

“Is there a lot to read before you sign them?”

“Nah, Uncle Bannie gives me the summary and I just look for the part that says sign here.”

“That’s not fair. In school we have to read the whole book!”

“Want me to change that in a second with my beautiful pen? You like picture books better? Speaking of pictures, some of the things I sign don’t even have words, just a picture.

“Cool. Like what?”

“One was of a great giant wall. Bannie doesn’t want me to waste my time reading things when I can be watching myself on TV…so much more fun.”

“What other picture did you get?”

“After the wall, my favorite was of lots of brown people with funny hats and scarves in…”

“A jail?”

“What? Where did you hear that from?”

“Kids at school.”

“Barron, they have their facts wrong. They are really in an amusement park. They are getting to do fun things until we can make sure our country is safe.”

OMFG TRUMP - Muslim Amusement Park.jpg

“Daddy, kids at school don’t like you.”

“They are losers.”

“What should I say to them when they say mean things?”

“Like what?”

“Like you are going to destroy the environment.”

“And?”

“That there will be more sick people, that families will be broken apart.”

“Enough! Enough!”

“What should I say to them? It makes me very sad.”

“Tell them I am great, and if that doesn’t change their minds, write down their names. We have lots of amusement parks.”

“What?”

“Don’t ask too many questions. You are much better when you are silent. Okay, Barron?”

“Daddy I saw the picture of the people at your inauguration. There were a lot, but not as many as Obama. How could you lose to someone who you said were a fake president?”

“Lies, lies! Look, Baron, I am on TV…millions of people are marching and yelling my name. Isn’t that amazing?”

“How come someone is carrying a sign that says ‘Dump Trump’?”

“That’s why reading is just so stupid! Everyone loves daddy, except those stupid kids in your class who we will talk to; and this silly person with the sign is so sad.”

(Tears) “Daddy, why is your approval rating the lowest ever of a new President?”

(Anger) “Total lie…. Where did you hear that, Barron?

“They just said it on TV.”

“Fake news, fake news. Listen Barron, it is time for our little talk to be over. It’s time for the family to watch ‘Little Dory.’ Be on your way.”

“Aren’t you coming, Daddy?”

“To watch a cartoon about a fish in search of its family?”

“It’s a good story, Daddy. Please come watch.”

OMFG TRUMP - Finding Nemo Shark.gif

“Why watch that story when I can create that story with my magic pen?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, my story isn’t about fish but people. With one stroke I have made a lot of people have to search for their families.”

“But Daddy…”

“It will be great, son. What do I always say?”

“That you will ‘Make America Great Again’!”

“Now that’s my boy!”

“Daddy, I’m scared. Can I have a hug?”

“Look Barron, there I am again on TV.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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