Fill’er Tiller Up, Please

The Koch brothers are working their crude magic once again. They are adding a new dimension to their attempt to influence voters besides giving millions of dollars to candidates who support their pro oil, climate change denying- conservative agenda. They are now pushing old time religion. We can call it Gospel and Gas or how about Raceway to Jesus?

A powerful public relations group called “Fueling U.S. forward” is promulgating the idea that they can make new converts to their oil-based agenda by hosting minorities in their churches for a little song and speaking in tongues. They are trying to convince minorities that they benefit from cheap and plentiful fossil fuels and that they have the most to lose if energy costs rise. At the end of festivities they even give each congregant a card saying: “Thankful for the fuels and innovation that make modern life possible.” Took a page out of the old Monsanto play book whose slogan was: without chemicals life itself would be impossible.”

The picture on the card is so cute, too: A 1950’s car driving through the snow with wrapped gifts sitting on top of the car. Not sure how those presents stay up on the roof, but it is definitely better optics than Mitt Romney tying his dog Seamus to the top of his car claiming the dog liked fresh air. The only thing to embrace about that image is the “fresh air”, which if left to the Koch brothers and soon to be Secretary of State T. Rex Tillerson, would make it necessary for poor old Seamus to wear a mask!

OMFG TRUMP - Fueling US Forward

The pinnacle of the church event was a contest in the spirit of “The Voice,” where four lucky souls, sang “Don’t Jesus Just Love the Crude,” and were told that their latest monthly electricity bill would be paid, up to $250. According to a host of the event, “everyone was so excited. Everyone was dancing.” This new initiative is cynicism and exploitation at its best, which isn’t exactly a Jesus kind of thing.

When “The Don” got wind of the Koch’s initiative, he immediately called T.Rex and they toasted those sly Koch brothers. “The Don” told him that they really needed to support this fantastic opportunity for African Americans living in squalor all over the country. “They need assistance. Since their houses are such a disaster, total disaster, they need to be able to have cheap fuel so they can live in their cars.” In a master- stroke of genius and generosity, “The Don” decided that rather than eliminating the Supplemental Nutritional Assistance Program with a snap of the fingers, he would actually increase the subsidy but make it valid only when purchasing gas. “The Don“ crowed: “Now the African American community will love me even more than they already do!” He was so pumped that he got T.Rex Tillerson on the horn who immediately called the Koch brothers to give them the green light to issue Exxon gift cards to everyone who showed up at the churches.

OMFG TRUMP - Exxon Gift Card.jpg

“T. Rex, I have an idea,” said David Koch. “They can hand out the gift cards at the end of the service when they give out the holy wafers.”

Koch broke out a bottle of bubbly and they toasted to: “Body of Christ”. Just curious, T Rex, “besides the S.N.A.P. program where’s the money for this coming from?”

“Health Care and Department of Education”

“Cool,” Koch replied. None from the E.P.A?”

“What’s the E.P.A?”

“Silly question.”

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